The Redneck just called me. He wished me and my family (who he dislikes all except for my younger brother) a Happy New Year and to "check in" to see how I was doing. He's still doing random scrap metal work and says his chances of returning up to East Bum Fuck in the summer to continue his water-based job is nil since he has "a lot going on at home" (i.e. girlfriend? Girlfriend that he already cheated on with a seacow?) He also mentioned that he was going to be heading up my way for his birthday since he's planning on hitting up Foxwoods with his friends and that if I "wasn't busy..." - I didn't even let him finish the sentence and immediately changed the subject.
I assumed the reason for him calling was because a certain loudmouth in my circle of friends has found out about Afro and I, so I wouldn't put it past her to mention something to him. The thing that frustrates me the most is that he won't just go away. There was no closure to how things ended and the way he talks to me by calling me "hon" is doing nothing to put things behind me. I do feel somewhat guilty about the things I had mentioned I'd done in the previous post, so it's frustrating to think that had I confessed everything would've been completely done. No random checking in phone calls, no niceness in conversations. But since things just dissolved over time, we lost touch, the distance which caused a rift was all the main reasons for things "ending" there was no final nail in the coffin. Techinically we could be still together for all I fucking know.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Tonight We're Going to Party Like it's...a Doomed Relationship.
New Year's Eve is here already and I can't help but reflect back on the dating ups and downs I've experienced over the last 12 months:
This time last year I was hanging out in a garage in Maryland playing beer pong, doing shots of Jack, and smoking cigars with mildly attractive friends of the Redneck. Of course what started off as a good time ended with a fight over the Redneck getting more obliterated that I have ever seen him, and we were forced to sleep on the floor since he was too drunk to drive home. That should've been a sign that our relationship was destined to crash and burn.
As things dissolved into an on-again, off-again relationship through April and May I cheated for the first time in any relationship. And cheated again. And again. And again. And again. Twice in New York City with two different people; Once with the Redneck's (supposed) best friend; Multiple times with Afro; Several occasions with Whitest Boy Alive; and a few times with a semi-guido who worked at the airport. The funny thing is, even after all that and blatanty knowing that what I was doing wasn't right and that obviously something was wrong with the Redneck and I's relationship, I still wanted to make it work. I think it was more of my pride than anything else. I never told him what had happened while he was ten states away for 2 months, and although he mildly suspected it, nothing was ever discussed. Who knows, he was probably doing the same thing.
While I consider myself a honest person (sometimes too honest) when it comes to friends and family, I know that my downfall in relationships is that I cover up any mistakes I make to have things seem as perfect as possible. Instead of confronting the Redneck and breaking things up while he was gone, I instead searched for someone who could temporarily take his place.
Part of me thinks that things with Afro will never work out simply because I cheated on the Redneck with him, and since Karma is a bitch, I'm going to get screwed over just like I screwed my boyfriend over. The other part of me is extremely paranoid of placing my trust in the wrong person and that by trying to start something with someone who was a knowing accomplice in my cheating is someone who isn't in fact very trustworthy at all.
To wrap all this up - my resolution for 2008 is to be honest with myself and whoever I enter a relationship with so that things don't go haywire. I need to be more considerate of my actions in regards to the other person, while maintaining a higher standard for myself.
I hope everyone has a fantastic night - since I'll be spending mine out on the town with my other half Ashley, I know that this New Year's Eve is going to be hard to beat!
This time last year I was hanging out in a garage in Maryland playing beer pong, doing shots of Jack, and smoking cigars with mildly attractive friends of the Redneck. Of course what started off as a good time ended with a fight over the Redneck getting more obliterated that I have ever seen him, and we were forced to sleep on the floor since he was too drunk to drive home. That should've been a sign that our relationship was destined to crash and burn.
As things dissolved into an on-again, off-again relationship through April and May I cheated for the first time in any relationship. And cheated again. And again. And again. And again. Twice in New York City with two different people; Once with the Redneck's (supposed) best friend; Multiple times with Afro; Several occasions with Whitest Boy Alive; and a few times with a semi-guido who worked at the airport. The funny thing is, even after all that and blatanty knowing that what I was doing wasn't right and that obviously something was wrong with the Redneck and I's relationship, I still wanted to make it work. I think it was more of my pride than anything else. I never told him what had happened while he was ten states away for 2 months, and although he mildly suspected it, nothing was ever discussed. Who knows, he was probably doing the same thing.
While I consider myself a honest person (sometimes too honest) when it comes to friends and family, I know that my downfall in relationships is that I cover up any mistakes I make to have things seem as perfect as possible. Instead of confronting the Redneck and breaking things up while he was gone, I instead searched for someone who could temporarily take his place.
Part of me thinks that things with Afro will never work out simply because I cheated on the Redneck with him, and since Karma is a bitch, I'm going to get screwed over just like I screwed my boyfriend over. The other part of me is extremely paranoid of placing my trust in the wrong person and that by trying to start something with someone who was a knowing accomplice in my cheating is someone who isn't in fact very trustworthy at all.
To wrap all this up - my resolution for 2008 is to be honest with myself and whoever I enter a relationship with so that things don't go haywire. I need to be more considerate of my actions in regards to the other person, while maintaining a higher standard for myself.
I hope everyone has a fantastic night - since I'll be spending mine out on the town with my other half Ashley, I know that this New Year's Eve is going to be hard to beat!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Who Says That?!
What is the appropriate response to the following text message?
Me: "Whitest Boy Alive" JUST TEXTED ME
Me: ROFL
Me: ROFL
Me: HIS TEXT:
Ashley: LOL
Me: "so when do i get to see you again and make love :)"
Me: ROFL
Me: WTF
Me: WTF
Ashley: .....
Ashley: ..........
Ashley: ..............
Ashley: OMG.
Me: WTFUCKING HELL
Me: ROFL
Ashley: OMG.
Me: LOL
Ashley: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
Me: ROFL
Me: I WANNA FORWARD IT TO YOU
Ashley: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
Me: ROFL
Ashley: OH MY GOD.
Me: LOL WHAT DO YOU WRITE BACK TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT
Me: ROFL
Ashley: I NEED TO STEP OUT OF CAPSLOCK. THAT IS AMAZING.
Me: I FEEL DIRTY
Ashley: ohmygod
Me: lol
Ashley: rofl
Me: what the fuck
Ashley: iawtc
Ashley: I'm saving this.
Me: calling you
Ashley: This is EPIC.
Ashley and I have been saying nothing but "who says that?!" for the last five minutes. Right now we're soliciting advice from a certain band member who has plenty of experience in the "making loooooove" category.
Me: "Whitest Boy Alive" JUST TEXTED ME
Me: ROFL
Me: ROFL
Me: HIS TEXT:
Ashley: LOL
Me: "so when do i get to see you again and make love :)"
Me: ROFL
Me: WTF
Me: WTF
Ashley: .....
Ashley: ..........
Ashley: ..............
Ashley: OMG.
Me: WTFUCKING HELL
Me: ROFL
Ashley: OMG.
Me: LOL
Ashley: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
Me: ROFL
Me: I WANNA FORWARD IT TO YOU
Ashley: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
Me: ROFL
Ashley: OH MY GOD.
Me: LOL WHAT DO YOU WRITE BACK TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT
Me: ROFL
Ashley: I NEED TO STEP OUT OF CAPSLOCK. THAT IS AMAZING.
Me: I FEEL DIRTY
Ashley: ohmygod
Me: lol
Ashley: rofl
Me: what the fuck
Ashley: iawtc
Ashley: I'm saving this.
Me: calling you
Ashley: This is EPIC.
Ashley and I have been saying nothing but "who says that?!" for the last five minutes. Right now we're soliciting advice from a certain band member who has plenty of experience in the "making loooooove" category.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Fools Rush In
What's the difference between rushing into things and wanting to be secure with a guy who likes you for the right reasons?
I know now that things with the Redneck were rushed into because of the circumstances in which myself and he were placed. At first he was my partner in crime, then my security blanket, and then my downfall. The whole arrangement of living together seemed like it would bring the both of us together and would force us to fix any problems we had immediately, but once we were apart, it was easy to see the issues that could never be fixed. I pushed aside what made me different from other girls, like my take-no-crap attitude and indie-punk outward appearance, so that he and I could some how physically and mentally relate. He had a clear idea of who he was and the fact that he was so different from everyone else stuck in drunken party-mode that I was drawn to that. Of course once the "honeymoon" phase was over, it was clear to see that he was more into getting intoxicated nightly and being self-absorbed than he was into caring for me and how I felt.
And now, while I like to think I've learned my lesson about anticipating romance and pushing myself into relationships because I want them to work, with the way I've been dealing with guys, notably Afro Boy, it clear I haven't. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance maintaining who I am while trying to fit someone into my world. I don't think I've found anyone who's my type - or actually I have, but he's locked in his room making mixes - so instead I've been trying to reason who my type is; "well he has good taste in music...but he smokes too much pot", "he's really funny...but he can drink a liter of whiskey in three days", "he's so sensitive and caring...but he whines like my four year old niece". I shouldn't have to work at these things, it should just be easy.
Maybe I like the challenge. Maybe I don't want to settle. I think I'm just afraid that I'll never find someone who makes it easy.
I know now that things with the Redneck were rushed into because of the circumstances in which myself and he were placed. At first he was my partner in crime, then my security blanket, and then my downfall. The whole arrangement of living together seemed like it would bring the both of us together and would force us to fix any problems we had immediately, but once we were apart, it was easy to see the issues that could never be fixed. I pushed aside what made me different from other girls, like my take-no-crap attitude and indie-punk outward appearance, so that he and I could some how physically and mentally relate. He had a clear idea of who he was and the fact that he was so different from everyone else stuck in drunken party-mode that I was drawn to that. Of course once the "honeymoon" phase was over, it was clear to see that he was more into getting intoxicated nightly and being self-absorbed than he was into caring for me and how I felt.
And now, while I like to think I've learned my lesson about anticipating romance and pushing myself into relationships because I want them to work, with the way I've been dealing with guys, notably Afro Boy, it clear I haven't. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance maintaining who I am while trying to fit someone into my world. I don't think I've found anyone who's my type - or actually I have, but he's locked in his room making mixes - so instead I've been trying to reason who my type is; "well he has good taste in music...but he smokes too much pot", "he's really funny...but he can drink a liter of whiskey in three days", "he's so sensitive and caring...but he whines like my four year old niece". I shouldn't have to work at these things, it should just be easy.
Maybe I like the challenge. Maybe I don't want to settle. I think I'm just afraid that I'll never find someone who makes it easy.
Monday, December 10, 2007
It's Like That Boy George Song
I think karma is coming back to bite me in the ass.
Since recently spending time with both Afro Boy and the Whitest Boy Alive, there seems to be a cycle that's going on. This past spring/early summer I had seen them both plationically while I was dating the Redneck and W.B.A would periodically pop in and out proclaiming his feelings towards me while I would disappear until he got over them. I was already in a committed relationship - albiet a completely fucked up one - but I was really taken aback by his fondness.
Flash-forward to things now. W.B.A is at it again, and the more time I've spent with him the more I can't really picture things moving toward a serious manner. He's a nice guy, but the type who would let me go all New York on his ass and wouldn't stand up for himself. So while I'm emotionally distancing myself from him, I'm becoming more and more fond of Afro Boy, who seems to be emotionally distancing himself from me. It's like a cycle of confusion, distrust, and people not wanting to be honest with eachother. I fully recognize now how W.B.A must have felt a few months ago, where I would randomly appear, accept his compliments and advances, then freak out and back off completely.
It's a weird situation. The guy who wants me to reciprocate, I want nothing romantic to do with while the guy who I want to reciprocate has "I don't know what I want" written on his forehead. I'm sure that once Afro Boy figures out what he wants (even if he does now, he has an ADD way of showing it) I'll be free from the college world and moving on, and I hate looking back on situations and wondering what could've happened if someone had just had the balls to open their mouth.
Since recently spending time with both Afro Boy and the Whitest Boy Alive, there seems to be a cycle that's going on. This past spring/early summer I had seen them both plationically while I was dating the Redneck and W.B.A would periodically pop in and out proclaiming his feelings towards me while I would disappear until he got over them. I was already in a committed relationship - albiet a completely fucked up one - but I was really taken aback by his fondness.
Flash-forward to things now. W.B.A is at it again, and the more time I've spent with him the more I can't really picture things moving toward a serious manner. He's a nice guy, but the type who would let me go all New York on his ass and wouldn't stand up for himself. So while I'm emotionally distancing myself from him, I'm becoming more and more fond of Afro Boy, who seems to be emotionally distancing himself from me. It's like a cycle of confusion, distrust, and people not wanting to be honest with eachother. I fully recognize now how W.B.A must have felt a few months ago, where I would randomly appear, accept his compliments and advances, then freak out and back off completely.
It's a weird situation. The guy who wants me to reciprocate, I want nothing romantic to do with while the guy who I want to reciprocate has "I don't know what I want" written on his forehead. I'm sure that once Afro Boy figures out what he wants (even if he does now, he has an ADD way of showing it) I'll be free from the college world and moving on, and I hate looking back on situations and wondering what could've happened if someone had just had the balls to open their mouth.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
You Get Mixed Up With the Wrong Guys.
Since moving to Providence last week, my social life has been nothing but undramatic. The Ultimate White Boy showed up last Wednesday to celebrate my new place, and while I told myself that nothing would happen until I get a serious answer from him about whats going on, 2 hours in I had broken my promise. He had some excuse over the weekend that explained why he didn't call, and ended up texting me a few times asking me to come over and wanting to know when he'll see me again. The Afro Boy also made an appearance, and hung out with my partner in crime and I a few nights ago. I made it a point to let him know what I was thinking and the rapage that had happened a few months ago to which he responded in a genuinely concerned manner.
I think he's coming over tonight, so God knows what's going to happen. I'm trying to avoid getting emotionally wrapped up in anyone right now because with all that's happened I feel like I can't trust any straight guy. At what age does the "I'm just going to dick around" mentality disappear? If I asked myself a year ago that question I would've told myself that the Redneck must've skipped over that hormonal phase, but now I'm more convinced than ever that he was balls-deep in it.
Speaking of liking things balls-deep, there's a certain Saggy Stripper that has been the source of lolz and desire to shank from Ashley and I. I've tried to refrain from bringing up any sort of fattie drama, but this cannot be helped. I don't understand when people unnecessarily run their mouths and talk nothing but shit when they're either:
1) Not involved in the situation
2) Not involved in the situation but know someone who knows someone who was
3) Are disease-ridden twats
And this girl fits in all three options. Maybe all of her shit-talking will prove to be accurate down the line, which I doubt, but for now it's all just a headache. A fattie headache.
I think he's coming over tonight, so God knows what's going to happen. I'm trying to avoid getting emotionally wrapped up in anyone right now because with all that's happened I feel like I can't trust any straight guy. At what age does the "I'm just going to dick around" mentality disappear? If I asked myself a year ago that question I would've told myself that the Redneck must've skipped over that hormonal phase, but now I'm more convinced than ever that he was balls-deep in it.
Speaking of liking things balls-deep, there's a certain Saggy Stripper that has been the source of lolz and desire to shank from Ashley and I. I've tried to refrain from bringing up any sort of fattie drama, but this cannot be helped. I don't understand when people unnecessarily run their mouths and talk nothing but shit when they're either:
1) Not involved in the situation
2) Not involved in the situation but know someone who knows someone who was
3) Are disease-ridden twats
And this girl fits in all three options. Maybe all of her shit-talking will prove to be accurate down the line, which I doubt, but for now it's all just a headache. A fattie headache.
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