What exactly is wrong with men? HUH?!

I decided that since it's the 21st Century and since nearly everyone is doing it, I signed up for a dating website just for the sheer "fun" of it. So, after spending time filling all the shit out on Okcupid.com and being as true to who I am as possible, I get the following message from a fucktard:

You seem sexy, cocky, and sassy. You can probably turn men into putty in your hands. So what do you have going for you besides your looks? And why are you worth the drama that you would inevitably put me through?

Excuse me? I just wrote him back telling him that first of all, I steer clear of any drama and that for him to assume I would make his life a living hell is bullshit. Number one, he is completely, 100% unattractive (sorry, I don't go for the fat 40 year olds) and his profile reads like someone was just pounding on keys. Second, what the hell makes him think I have nothing else going for me besides my looks? Is this suppose to make me attracted to him? I am surely smarter, more educated, and more tactful than he will ever be in his fat fucking life, and his message just further proves that.

Maybe its the wine that's gotten me riled up, but I am not dealing with this bullshit from men any. fucking. longer.

My Red Plastic Cup of Cheap Wine is Better than Yours

My Valentine's Day is being spent drinking cheap red wine out of a red plastic cup and talking to Ashley on speakerphone while randomly yelling out verses to songs. Christian asked me to "hang out" tomorrow night because he has something for me, and so I'm crossing my fingers that it's Jay-Z's new album so I can take the CD and boot his ass out. It makes me wonder what he's also up to tonight besides working. And now we're looking up my orange-looking coworker on myspace. It's been an eventful night.

I Can Foreshadow Like Nobody's Business!

That last post was written 20 minutes before getting the following text from Christian:
"I'm so sorry about tonight. I just got home from the park with my friend and we did acid so I'm super fucked up"
WELL THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW. Needless to say the first thing I did, besides texting him back that he's and idiot and I hate him, I called up Ashley freaking out. Then I got the urge to punch him in the face, ignored his millions of texts that followed, and watched Prison Break.

I Still Don't Get it

I could be making out and/or having sex with a hot, tall, built guy right now that I barely know and getting attention even though that's not what I want, but it seems like the idea I have in my head of love and romance is unattainable. I just don't understand it. I don't understand if it's something that I'm doing wrong or if it's just him. I feel like I'm putting my hopes into something that doesn't exist.

Last night Christian (who I've been referring to as 'Afro') gave me the idea that things, yet again, would be different and I could feel it in my heart that he meant it. I know that this isn't how things are meant to be, and as much as I don't want to put aside my idea wanting someone amazing, I can't stop figuring out why I keep settling for okay. Ever since I started dating I was with guys who were funny but idiots, sweet but a cheater, charming but abusive, and I want to break this cycle. I know in my head that I deserve better and deserve to have someone wonderful who won't break my heart, but the idea of ever reaching that is slipping away.

And that leaves me here. awaiting for a night that probably won't happen, a relationship that won't get off the ground, and someone who I can count on who never shows me he's reliable. I've sunk so low in trying to figure this out that I even sent a text to the Redneck asking him to call me back and give me advice; that maybe he can give me some signal as to why I'm doing this to myself. I want to think that it's the surroundings I'm in that are messing me up, but I'm terrified that once I get out of my little bubble of Providence I'm just going to end up the same place I'm in right now - upset, confused, hurt, disappointed, and cursing at myself.

Something has got to give.