Things have been a bit hectic with the mold issue in our apartment (that will hopefully get resolved soon) and with me landing the position of Assistant Spa Director at a major hotel in New Castle, NH. I've been enjoying the perks of the position, like yesterday with a free eyebrow wax and today with an hour long free massage. Both done while on the clock mind you. I've been doing my best not to get too stressed out, but with Christian working all the time I feel like we're settling into a routine of him pestering me to no end when I get home from work which then results in me being pissy and grumpy. I'm tired, stressed out, and starting to finally get my shit together and the last thing I need is to be constantly poked in my side for 5 minutes all the while telling him repeatedly to stop. Last night when I finally had enough I yelled at him to cut it out and then he got pissed off at me for yelling. I tried to explain to him the cause and effect of his actions (ie "I don't like when you do A, it makes me B, so don't do it") but he still pointed the blame on things on me. We both got home rather early today, him at 4ish and me a bit past 5, and after eating dinner I go in here to check my email. I can't so much as walk into another room without him yelling after me about something, whether it be that I "hate him", don't want to spend time with him, you name it. I know that he's joking, but for fuck sake - give me ten minutes to go into another room and do whatever the hell I want. I don't need a guilt trip on how I'm "ignoring" you and I certainly don't need a lighter whipped into the room behind my chair so that I'll turn around and you can make some faux-sad face and whine about how I don't love you. I feel like I'm babysitting the most attention whore kid in the world and not getting paid.

I've Been Slacking

Talk about ignoring my blog, jeez. Here's the rundown of what's happened over the last several weeks:

- Christian and I successfully moved into our apartment and although it is a mishmash of crappy furniture from my parents basement and posters of Interpol and Trainspotting, it's turning out to be quite nice. I've discovered that we both loathe to do the dishes, as even with a dishwasher we still have ones piled in the sink from dinner last night.
- Christian has been working all the time so that we have enough money for bills, rent, food/living expenses, since my broke ass has been unemployed since graduation. I just found out today that my old job at the Canada tour operation needs me about 15-20hrs/week starting Monday so that's something. Plus they know that as soon as I find a better job, I'm out the door. Speaking of which, I have an interview on Friday for a Spa Manager position at Wentworth by the Sea - a huge, ritzy hotel in Newcastle. I didn't even technically apply for the position; word of mouth spread from one hotel to another and soon the GM was calling me.
- Also on Friday, Christian and I are picking up our 8 week old kitten that we met last week! Granted, we have to go an hour into East Chugafuck, Maine to get it but the little thing is so cute and tiny that we had to get it. Being the idiots that we are, we totally forgot to ask what sex it is, so on Friday we're either naming it Stella or Nelson, depending on what it is.
- At the end of the month we're going to Cara's daughter's birthday party in Providence, and then from there driving to Conneticut so I can meet Christian's mother and sister. His sister Lauren is flying out from Chicago to go with their mom to Antiques Roadshow since she had won tickets (valued at $300! WTF). I'm a little nervous since I've heard that his mom is a no-nonsense kind of woman, but he says that I should get along great with Lauren since we have similar tastes in music, movies, etc.
- Oh and then last night I had a dream/wtfnightmare that I had heard from my ex Matt and he wanted to hang out. We went to some restaurant/hotel/bar place and while we were waiting to be seated, he kept whining and bitching about stupid things. So I get annoyed, tell him to shut up and how much I can't stand him and don't want to be his friend. He starts crying to some waitress and another comes over to me and I explain how he's clingly and a wuss. Then he flips the fuck out, like psychotic. He gets some sort of gun and as I jump behind the coat check-in booth, Adam Goldberg comes out of nowhere and shoots him. Adam Goldberg is in fucking EVERYTHING.

Movin' On Up

In about a week Christian and I are moving into our apartment and finally getting out of my parent's place. Even though we've only been here for about a month, it sure seems a hell of a lot longer. We both have a distinct feeling that everything is going to insanely well - especially since we've had to deal with the added stress here and things have been good.

Next week is going to be eventful, with the WFNX party in Boston and then The Killers show the following night at Foxwoods. As far as I know we're heading down early for the concert since Christian took the day off and with my current unemployment it's not like I have anything else to do. I'm preparing myself now for the long 3 hour ride back that will no doubt occur at 1AM. Ahh, the sacrifices I make for my glittery homo Brandon.

We are cute.

Suzy Homemaker

Today is the last day I'll be living "alone" for who knows how long - forever, maybe? Granted, considering I'm camping out in my parent's house I'm not exactly alone, but it's surely the end of my single living existance. Christian moves in tomorrow and while I'm absolutely convinced that living with him will be nothing short of wonderful, the same old fears of me driving him nuts have of course resurfaced. The other sort of scary-exciting thing is that this could be it. While I haven't been single for almost 3 months, this is solidifying the fact that I am entirely in a relationship. It isn't long-distance or a situation where we only see each other a few nights a week; this is the point of no return - minus the suspenseful music. I still wonder how the hell I got here and am still stunned at how easy it all was. Is this a fluke or is this the way love is supposed to be? Either way I think I'm pretty goddamn lucky.

Oh my God, I miss him so much.

He's Going to Fix Me

"Fix You" by Coldplay seems to sum up things between Christian and I up best; that no matter what happens, we'll always be there for eachother to make everything work. Although right now there issue of distance is something we'd both like to fix but can't for 2 more weeks, maybe less.

I'm back up in New Hampshire while he's training his replacement in Providence. He doesn't want to be there by any means as evident by the stream of sappy text messages we've been sending back and forth since I left on Thursday. God, it's only been 3 days? I feel...pathetic a bit for already missing him so much and while I've been telling myself that two weeks is nothing it still seems so daunting. I know the fact that we spent nearly every day together over the last few weeks surely didn't ease the separation.

This sort of seems like a running theme for our relationship, huh? Things get going, then dud out, then back up again, then flounders, and then now - going fantastic and then halted. Though now it's the circumstances and reality of things rather than him being dumb and trying to avoid getting caught up in things. Also, I can't help but wonder where we would be had he realized how ideal we are for eachother four or five months ago instead of two. In the same place? I actually think we would've probably been shacking up in Providence instead of here, which probably would've resulted in us being stagnant and near-broke for the next several months or year, so I'm glad that we're hurrying up and moving forward. It's funny though, as of lately the only thing I've been sure of is him. I used to have everything so mapped out, but now I know that as long as I have him there by my side, things will end up great.

You need his balls for what, exactly?

Christian and I had our first minor issue last night and while I'm nearly over it, I have a looming feeling that it's going to be stuck in the back of my head for awhile.

He dated his ex-girlfriend on and off throughout high school and periodically fooled around with her throughout college as well as recently as this past December. I don't have an issue with that, especially since we weren't serious and just starting to get things going with figuring out what we wanted. The issue that I find a bit odd and clingly is that she calls him daily. She makes a point of it to call when her boyfriend (who she is living in) is not around since apparently he isn't too fond of the idea, and while I have no right to pick and choose who he talks to I can't helped but be a bit bothered by it.

Last night he went to go switch over his laundry at my place down the hallway and she called when he was heading out the door. After a few minutes I could hear him in the hall still talking to her and 15 minutes later he walked in to my apartment. I told him that while I understand him wanting to be considerate about being on the phone in front of me, I still would prefer that if he's discussing things about us that he not slip away to where he thinks he can't be heard. I've dealt with way too many shady exes to shake the trust issue I have, and while I trust him it's her I don't trust.

I mentioned to him that her checking in periodically is fine - Ben and I do that - but there's got to be another reason why she phones him every 24 hours. In my opinion it's because she's jealous that he's moved on, and although she herself has gotten into another relationship, he's been the male constant in her life so the fact that she isn't thought about as the top female is annoying her. And also the idea that having sex or fooling around with him again is out of the question. Christian had always told me "No, that's not it - yeah she's jealous, but she doesn't want me".

Well last night he totally ate his words. She was complaining about how she won't get to see him again when he moves, that he won't talk to her, etc. He told her that wasn't true, blah, blah, blah, and that if that does happen she can kick him in the balls. Her response? "No, I won't do that because I'm going to need them someday"....Excuse me? What was that? I ask him what he said back to her and he states that all he did was laugh "uncomfortably". Ok fine. At least he didn't agree, right? I told him that I would have rathered have him say something to remind her that, hello, he is in a relationship that doesn't include her. Even something like "Haha I don't think my girlfriend would exactly approve of that" would have sufficed.

We then have a big discussion (with Ashley on speakerphone) about how I don't have to trust her, only him, nothing is going to happen, how my trust level is shot due to the shit I have dealt with in the past, etc. I have a distinct feeling that she is going to be super phony when I meet her, but I'm just planning on killing her with kindness and being as close to perfection as possible to show her that I'm not threatened by her and that she will never get close to his junk ever again.

Smirnoff thingamajig

I am numbing myself with alcohol and dancing around to Kasabian. Although right now it's more of a bouncing around. I have ISSUES with school which I refuse to admit until I can't fix them and have decided that there is NOTHING I can do til Monday. The selected caps lock make me feel more impowered.

Christian is at the Death Cab for Cutie show and mentioned that he plans on calling me when they play "I Will Follow You Into the Dark". I don't ----ehhhh. Scratch that thought. It's nice. And sappy. And thoughtful. He said that whenever he gets married instead of saying his vows he wants to sing that to the chick - at which point I pointed at myself heh. THAT'S RIGHT I JUST "HEH"ed. God dammit. So we're moving in together, granted it's into my parents house but this is like the beginning of everything. I never understood why this is so easy and everything with all the other guys I dated was so difficult. Probably because they were idiots. In any case, I'm thankful for it being easy; if anything it's more reassuring that he feels the same way and that things are going to work out. I've been extremely cautious since breaking up with Ross, hence the over 5 month blog mostly about the Christian situation, so to have everything go good for once scares the crap out of me and comforts me at the same time.

I am going to keep drinking.

This Modern Love

Things are on the up and up - or as up as they can go when moving back in with parents for the summer with boyfriend in tow. Yes, boyfriend in tow.

Christian came over last night and after sucking up the guilt of bouncing him from RI to NH, I brought up the subject of what we're going to do over the next few months. I told him that with my money/job/apartment situation down here, it would be smarter and easier for me to head home for the summer to save up and figure out where we're going to end up at the end of August. He was a bit taken aback, but then I told him that after talking to my mom, she mentioned that he's more than welcome to camp out with me in the furnished room in the basement rent free and I could see the relief wash over his face. I quickly pointed out the bonuses of it all before the fear was able to come back, like that it was only temporary, it would be easy to find a kitchen job, we can quickly save at least $5,000 or so, and since we're uprooting ourselves in just a few months from now, it would give us a chance to figure things out without worrying about money.

He told me that where ever I was going he wanted to be there - be it across the country or back in New Hampshire. I told him that I felt guilty about bouncing him two states away, but he told me that he needed to get things in gear anyways and that this would be a perfect motivator to move things along. I cannot even express how relieved I was to hear him say that. Apparently his roommate is considering leaving for a cruise ship job August 1st and is going down to the restaurant he and Christian both work at tomorrow to talk things over with the boss. Christian says he's going to use that timing to head down there with him and break the news to the both of them of what his plans are.

While I'm completely relieved that this all worked out, I'm still...stunned? Doubtful? Stressed? One of those. I might be more nervous/excited more than anything. Granted, we've spent a lot of time together for 2-3 spans at a time, but living together is going to be whole new environment. I have little doubt that things are going to bomb and turn out horribly; I think it's just that realization that 'holy shit, things are moving ahead like we planned' and 'has everything gone by so quickly already?'. So now I'm not stressed at least, just the scary realization that we're moving at full speed and not looking back.

I Will Possess Your Heart...And Stress You Out

Everything was rather uneventful until yesterday when by the power of Greyskull, everything went to shit. Ok, so maybe that's exaggerating, but I'm starting to sweat the end of the month.

I was already kind of up in the air about what I was doing until August/September (my GTFO out New England due date) but I was vaguely certain that I'd be sticking around Providence working and taking Spanish II at a local community college. I was going to probably move out of my apartment into a cheaper one or drag Ashley's ass down to Providence and split rent with me. Christian was going to stick around his apartment til August 1st when his roommate moves to CT for a job on a cruise ship, he'd keep working at the restaurant and save up money to pack up and move with me, where ever we may end up going.

Now yesterday he informs me that his landlord SOLD their apartment and have until the end of the month to move out. He says that he's found an apartment in Warwick, about 20 min from me but 2 min from his job, but the lease is 1 year and he doesn't want to sign it. It's going to be a hell of a time to find a place that's month to month or has extremely flexible lease terms without paying a ridiculous amount of money so he's stuck. I have been toying with the idea of him moving in here and us getting a 1 bedroom and splitting the $1200/month rent, but his roommate would be left high and dry (although I suppose he could move in with his girlfriend or find a cheap 1 bedroom). We wouldn't really be saving up enough money for when we move, so that's a limited option.

The other option: My mom, without yet meeting Christian, told me that we are "more than welcome" to move into their place in NH and live in the furnished basement. We wouldn't have to pay rent, utilities, buy food - nothing. We can live there over the summer, get jobs, and would save a shitload of money. While it seems like a good idea, I don't want Christian to feel as though I want him to uproot his life down here, quit his job, and bounce two states away for 3 months. I'm going to talk everything over with him tonight when I see him, but I'm pretty certain that's what my plan is going to be, and I'll try to haul my ass down to Providence as often as I can to see him, but I know it's going to suck. My fear is that it's going to end up like it did with the Redneck last year; granted Christian would never cheat on me or be shady, but I know that even a few hours of distance can really screw things up. Christian hates the idea of him moving 20 minutes away to a new place, so it's going to be so hard for him to be 2 hours away.

A small part of me realizes that this would all be so much easier and less stressful if I was single and didn't have anyone else to factor in (besides Ashley since we're pretty much attached to the hip). I'd move home, get my job back at the Canada place, save up roughly around $6,000 and then figure out where to go from there. But now with Christian it's a 'we' situation. It's funny though - he told his roommate, who's torn about leaving his girlfriend of 6 months to take the cruise ship job, to not even consider her a factor; to just do what he wants to do, and yet here we both are, together for almost 2 months and we're both stressing out how to work things out for the both of us. I asked Christian about that last week and he said it's because he can see us together 5 years from now whereas his roommate can't do the same. Then you have factor in us knowing each other for a year and a half, fooling around for a year, and then "dating" for 3 months before we made it official. I just don't want things to get all screwed up when they're going so well.

LOL

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Bring It Back Now

I veered off course somewhere in the original purpose of creating this blog. It's been filled with a mish mash of "will they/won't they" starring yours truly and Christian with cameos from Ashley and my drunken alter ego. It's like Dawson's Creek all over again, Jesus Christ.

So I bring you this video in hopes of winding up back where we started off. As Ashley and I were exiting my apartment to partake in the festivities of Christian's birthday last Thursday, I heard sounds coming from down the hallway. Upon further investigation we discovered that my 70+ neighbor was watching lesbian porn and, due to his apparent deafness, had the volume cranked to 11. Enjoy.

Check out this video: OH. HARDER. HARDER.



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Bermuda, Bahama, C'mon Baby...Mama?

Just as further proof that Christian is the greatest boyfriend in the universe, last night he told me my graduationation present - to plan a vacation for us and expenses were on him. I need to get the budget for the trip and dates today so I know where to start looking, but we're definitely looking towards a beachy, tropical location. Bermuda seems like a good fit, NCL offers a cruise out of Boston which spends 4 days at the island. Staying in a hotel there for say, 5 days, and flying out there would roughly cost $1800 but since Bermuda is not a fan of all-inclusive resorts, we'd be tacking on another $500 in meals and booze. The best place to go would be either Ocho Rios or Negril, Jamaica. Not only does it have loads of all-inclusive resorts located right on the beach with the 5 day stay totalling $1200 w/out airfare, Christian's biological father is from the island. Not only would it be relaxing and romantic, but he'd get to experience a large part of who he is.

Diabeetus

The boy and I have made it over the 1 month hump; surprisingly he was the one to remind me of out "anniversary" the other day which was refreshing. It seems like he's the middle of the two extremes of my last two relationships. Matt was all "I love yeeew" and was non-stop sappy, whiney, and pathetic (not to mention a kinky little bastard - MY VAGINA IS NOT A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT KTHX). The Redneck would have preferred to smack me upside the head, push, yank me around my hair or drink a liter of whiskey rather than let me know how he was feeling. I'm relieved that I'll never have to deal with either of those types again. Funny how I went from a complete pussy to an abusive closeted homo (OH THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT).

I'm sure the Brokeback homo has heard about Christian and I by now, god knows I did the high school thing and announced it on Facebook and Myspace, either through the dirty skank Tricia or the pervy nerd Jesse. I bet the Redneck is ramming his seacow girlfriend extra hard out of anger. It's his own fault for god sake! He was an idiot not to know that something was going on, especially when I told him I went to the movies with Christian and fractured my tibia. Or when my douche roommated decided to call him and let him know I was caught red handed sucking face (thanks Bret for that phrase btw) with my now boyfriend. But then again, he was probably too busy pretending to be Jake Gyllllennahalllall with some dude. Y'know he's totally a bottom.

Entering Vomitville

We're way too disgustingly cute.

I Look Like a Hooker

Another weekend with my partner in crime, Ashley, is in full swing and by my request I let her put her Clinque skillz to work by making me look at trashy as possible. Needless to say she far exceeded my expectations. I'd be asking for $5 at most.

Onto where we left off last time - I believe my love-hate relationship with Christian was plummeting into a downward spirl (or upward into goodness, I don't quite remember). My birthday several weeks ago was definitely one to be remembered since he came over and shot out the question that had been floating in the air for the last several months - "will you be my girlfriend?". So it was second grade, but then again it had to be resorted to that level so that we both fully understood what we wanted, expected, and needed from the other. I, of course, said yes and the last three and a half weeks has been nothing but positive, romantic, and more than I ever expected. So much so that my typical "don't even try to screw me over" defensive was broken and I admitted just how much I care about him by dropping the L-bomb. While it seems like things have moved rapidly, we're both focusing on the fact that we've known something was there between us from the get-go, something way more involved and deep than either one of us had felt before.

So we're in love. Tomorrow after bringing Ashley home to the boonies of Mass., I'm heading over his place to play house for the evening while he makes us tacos and then cuddles on the couch with me to watch the finale of Rock of Love.

Lessons in Classy Behavior

Tonight I'm drinking cheap red wine out of a glass. Impressive, isn't it? Forgive me for any misspellings or drunken ramblings because I'm on my 3rd glass of Little Penguin wine.

I got a job offer from American Express as a Group Air Reservation Manager - that long title has to pay pretty well, right? It's in Phoenix, Arizona which is getting close to my goal of being in Cali, but since it's the first (of many, I hope) job offers, I haven't said yes yet. I have about a month an a half until I graduate to make my decision and I know that where ever I end up it'll be a lot better than LOLCruiseBrothers, that's for sure. I told Christian about the Amex job and he said congrats, upon which I told him that I'm going to kidnap him and bring him with me. His reply:
"Sounds good to me! I'm yours"
Now, does that signify a relationship? We still have yet to properly establish anything about what we're doing so I'm not sure how to proceed. He's apparently going to come over tonight as I've drunkenly demanded that he show up after work and make out with me, so I suppose tonight would be a good time to mention what's going on. That way since I'm drunk, if things turn out bad then I won't really remember it and/or care, but if things turn out good...well hopefully I'll remember that. In any case, whether he shows up or not, I'm going to continue drinking my wine, listening to Bloc Party, and preparing myself for giving a dramatic "I quit asshole!" statement tomorrow at work.

Needless to say, I have a hickey on my neck.

Where the hell did I leave off? Oh right, the whole online dating scheme that failed miserably. I bounced off that site after 3 days.

After taking time out of the Christian senario for a few weeks, he made a surprisingly open, thoughtful, and apologetic text to me earlier this week:

"So as I lay in bed I realize I lost a girl that was perfect for me and honestly lately its really bothered me. I hope that maybe one day you will find the heart to give me another chance. You are beautiful and any guy that gets to be with you is a lucky man."

That was the gist of it, he also mentioned about how the fact that he felt so comfortable and connected with me "scared the shit" out of him. I was unsure at first if he was covering his ass and trying to suck up or if he was genuinely sorry for what had happened. I told him that if he was serious, no wishy-washiness, then I'd give him another chance to make things right. And the chance was last night.

When yesterday started I should've known that some degree of "WTF my luck is finally changing?!" was to be set in. First, I was chosed to adopt a 50lb English Bulldog named Winnie who I picked up from work. Shortly after Ashley ended up in Providence to meet her new daughter and crash at my place for the night. A text from Christian followed soon after and after betting with Ashley on whether or not he would actually show his face - he showed up. After everything that has gone between he and I things were undoubtedly awkward at first, with him being very careful about his responses to anything I asked. While it could just be him being unsure of things, I tend to believe that he realizes that now is the time for him to step up and is worried that any wrong thing could get him crossed out of my life permanently.

Why is it that sometimes it seems like the relationships with the least amount of arguments is the one that stresses you out the most? I am fully embracing a conventional relationship where everything is just easy since my last few have been filled with chaos. But with things being so comfortable and natural, why is it so damn hard for it to get off the ground? After last night I have no idea where we stand. We could be just messing around, casually dating each other, or starting something serious for all I know.

What exactly is wrong with men? HUH?!

I decided that since it's the 21st Century and since nearly everyone is doing it, I signed up for a dating website just for the sheer "fun" of it. So, after spending time filling all the shit out on Okcupid.com and being as true to who I am as possible, I get the following message from a fucktard:

You seem sexy, cocky, and sassy. You can probably turn men into putty in your hands. So what do you have going for you besides your looks? And why are you worth the drama that you would inevitably put me through?

Excuse me? I just wrote him back telling him that first of all, I steer clear of any drama and that for him to assume I would make his life a living hell is bullshit. Number one, he is completely, 100% unattractive (sorry, I don't go for the fat 40 year olds) and his profile reads like someone was just pounding on keys. Second, what the hell makes him think I have nothing else going for me besides my looks? Is this suppose to make me attracted to him? I am surely smarter, more educated, and more tactful than he will ever be in his fat fucking life, and his message just further proves that.

Maybe its the wine that's gotten me riled up, but I am not dealing with this bullshit from men any. fucking. longer.