I could be making out and/or having sex with a hot, tall, built guy right now that I barely know and getting attention even though that's not what I want, but it seems like the idea I have in my head of love and romance is unattainable. I just don't understand it. I don't understand if it's something that I'm doing wrong or if it's just him. I feel like I'm putting my hopes into something that doesn't exist.
Last night Christian (who I've been referring to as 'Afro') gave me the idea that things, yet again, would be different and I could feel it in my heart that he meant it. I know that this isn't how things are meant to be, and as much as I don't want to put aside my idea wanting someone amazing, I can't stop figuring out why I keep settling for okay. Ever since I started dating I was with guys who were funny but idiots, sweet but a cheater, charming but abusive, and I want to break this cycle. I know in my head that I deserve better and deserve to have someone wonderful who won't break my heart, but the idea of ever reaching that is slipping away.
And that leaves me here. awaiting for a night that probably won't happen, a relationship that won't get off the ground, and someone who I can count on who never shows me he's reliable. I've sunk so low in trying to figure this out that I even sent a text to the Redneck asking him to call me back and give me advice; that maybe he can give me some signal as to why I'm doing this to myself. I want to think that it's the surroundings I'm in that are messing me up, but I'm terrified that once I get out of my little bubble of Providence I'm just going to end up the same place I'm in right now - upset, confused, hurt, disappointed, and cursing at myself.
Something has got to give.
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