Fools Rush In

What's the difference between rushing into things and wanting to be secure with a guy who likes you for the right reasons?

I know now that things with the Redneck were rushed into because of the circumstances in which myself and he were placed. At first he was my partner in crime, then my security blanket, and then my downfall. The whole arrangement of living together seemed like it would bring the both of us together and would force us to fix any problems we had immediately, but once we were apart, it was easy to see the issues that could never be fixed. I pushed aside what made me different from other girls, like my take-no-crap attitude and indie-punk outward appearance, so that he and I could some how physically and mentally relate. He had a clear idea of who he was and the fact that he was so different from everyone else stuck in drunken party-mode that I was drawn to that. Of course once the "honeymoon" phase was over, it was clear to see that he was more into getting intoxicated nightly and being self-absorbed than he was into caring for me and how I felt.

And now, while I like to think I've learned my lesson about anticipating romance and pushing myself into relationships because I want them to work, with the way I've been dealing with guys, notably Afro Boy, it clear I haven't. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance maintaining who I am while trying to fit someone into my world. I don't think I've found anyone who's my type - or actually I have, but he's locked in his room making mixes - so instead I've been trying to reason who my type is; "well he has good taste in music...but he smokes too much pot", "he's really funny...but he can drink a liter of whiskey in three days", "he's so sensitive and caring...but he whines like my four year old niece". I shouldn't have to work at these things, it should just be easy.

Maybe I like the challenge. Maybe I don't want to settle. I think I'm just afraid that I'll never find someone who makes it easy.