A Valentine's Day that Maybe Won't Eat it

Let's back up to Thursday night and recall the following texts from Afro:
"I can't wait to see you tonight" 6:50PM
"I'm leaving work now so I'll let you know when I'm leaving my place" 10:45PM
"My buddy stopped by work and held us up so I swear I'm leaving now" 11:20PM
Now picture me replying back to each text with an "Ok, great" although half assuming that he won't show. Now picture me over-tired and now wide awake at 2AM watching Mitch Hedberg on Comedy Central because I stayed up and pushed past the 'must sleeeeeep' phase, laughing my head off and cursing Afro for disappearing again.

After confering with Ashley Friday morning about the situation, she urged me to do one of two things -
1. Ignore him. Pretend he doesn't exist, disregard any text messages or phone calls, dismiss him as a person entirely until it kills him.
2. Tell him exactly what's on my mind. Not the watered down "it would've been nice of you to call me, but I understand" version, but the "you're an asshole, you really don't give a shit about anyone but yourself" one.

And of course I chose the second option.
My text message to him Friday morning consisted of me telling him that he's selfish, how I was pissed off, how if he can't even extend me the courtesy of breaking plans rather than just not show up then he doesn't give a shit, etc. He responded back that he was sorry and even admitted to sounding like a 'broken record', but I just told him I really didn't care anymore. I didn't talk to him from Friday until last night, where he told me that he wanted to show me that he's sorry, etc. I half-heartedly told him "fine, whatever" and expected not to see him last night.

He showed up. While I'm still keeping my emotions a good arm's distance away, he was the one who broke down his own emotional wall. He told me that he knows he was acting flaky and said that he was doing it without regard because I would typically welcome him back it. He said that the texts I had sent him Friday morning explaining that I was done with him and how he needs to grow a pair made him realize what he was doing and how it was affecting me, and that he didn't want to do that to me anymore. I told him to his face that the other night was the last straw, that if he makes plans and blows me off again, I won't even think twice about dropping him like a bad habit. The night went really well after that. He invited me over for next Monday to watch our shared crack-like addiction to Prisonbreak together, but insisted that he would be coming over here "at least once" before then so that I can see he's serious about things.

And the last item - he asked me to be his Valentine. Even if we don't do anything except hang in, make out, and watch Uncle Buck, it will still be a million times better than any other V-day simply for the fact that it'll be with him.

So the lesson learned here, kids?
Don't be afraid to speak up when it comes to guys and relationships. It's always been an unspoken notion in girls' heads (or at least mine) that if they bring up the topic of the future of the relationship/how she feels for him/what he feels for her that the guy will go running. So they (I) keep their mouth shut to him, complain to friends, and come to their own conclusions of how they think he feels so that they don't feel like they're in the dark, but they never really find out. The bottom line is, if the guy goes fleeing the minute you question where things stand then he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone else, and we deserve better.

:( Part Two

I don't get it. I just don't fucking get it.

The first person I called when I heard Heath Ledger died was Ashley. Ten minutes later I got a text from her asking me if it was weird that she was crying. Hearing that from her immediately made me burst into tears again, and even now I'm still having a hard time believing it's true.

CNN is making a mockery of the entire thing; replaying the stretcher being brought out to the hospital morgue van and making assumptions that it was a suicide. My heart goes out to his family, especially his two year old daughter who will surely learn what an amazing actor her father was.

:(

Brad Renfro died yesterday morning at age 25. So far the cause of death is unknown, but I'm guessing it was drug-related since he's been in and out of court for heroin possession for the last few years. Apt Pupil and The Cure have always been a few of my favorite movies, and it's a shame that such genuine talent will cease to exist.

"Fo' Sho"

My resolution and Ashley's advice lead me to essentially blowing off Afro and telling him to do what he wants - that I'm not going to waste my energy into something that's one-sided. As soon as he realized what was going on he immediately became more open and emotionally honest with me, and it wasn't because he thought it was something I wanted to hear, he knew that I needed the honesty. He showed up last night around 3AM (since my internal time clock has been screwed up since New Year's festivities, I was still bouncing around my apartment) and we talked for over 3 hours about what was going on, how we felt, and what we saw was going to happen. He told me that he felt insecure about things since I'm "beautiful" and that I have so much going for me that he couldn't quite measure up, and that he was worried about getting involved because he didn't want to get hurt. I reassured him that there is no one else that I'm remotely interested in and that I've never felt so comfortable to be my stupid self around a guy before. With that, we moved on to discussing our families, how we were raised, and what we've been through.

The most distinct moment is truly one that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, whether 50 years down the road he's with me or not; while kissing me and holding my face, he pulled away, looked into my eyes and said "this just feels right". It was heart-crushing (but in an amazing way) to hear what I have been feeling since the first day I met him.

I've been able to hold back my feelings for him to keep from getting hurt and to maintain my 'take no shit' image, but I realized at that moment that I no longer have to do that. While I still don't want to get swept up in the moment and state that this is what I've been waiting and looking for, I finally understand that I can maintain who I am while no compromising what I want. When I'm with him I feel like someone besides Ashley just gets me, and no matter what outlandish statements I may make or opinions that I have he will care for me regardless. It's odd to be involved with someone who I don't feel as though I need to hold anything back from or bite my tongue for, and if things in the long-run don't work out I'll learn that I deserve someone who cares for me as I am.

As from my understanding we're together. There was nothing officially stated as far as girlfriend/boyfriend territory, but since we both said, while stone sober, that we can't imagine life without the other in it, I've taken that as a definite sign. It's a sign that from now on I'm going to be involved with someone who I trust with my heart and who I know cares for, respects, and is attracted to me with every part of them.

The Revelation

Today things are starting new. After spending time with my guy friend Owen last night and discussing what was (or wasn't) going on with Afro, he asked me the clearest question:

"Well, what do you want?"

I don't want what's been going on. I don't want confusion, I don't want uncertainty, I don't want someone who doesn't know if they want me back. I'm just done with it all. I'm going to start doing the things I want to do on my time. I'm not going to sit around wondering what is going to happen when everything right now is in my control to begin with. I think I spent too much time having my romantic life revolve around what was conveinent for everyone else that I'd forgotten that I'm the one that dictates what goes on in my life. From now on, if I want to see someone, I'm going to. If I think my night or life will be better off without him, then so be it. I've wasted far too much time investing my emotions into things that will never evolve into something real.

It's angsty times like these that I just have to turn to Alkaline Trio's "This is Getting Over You", so while I'll provide you with the lyrics to my 2008 anthem, hunt down the tune and give it a listen.

Today I woke up
Younger than I've been in years
Not concerned with what's outside
And fears, I don't have any
No one is my equal because I'm the king of rain
Controlling with my moodswings
Throw a thunderstorm your way
Drowning girls is a game I play

Today I woke up
More awake than I have felt in years
Not concerned with anything, no tears
Well I'm done with that shit
No one is your equal because you're the queen of pain
Controlling with my mood temps
Staring at my shoes as I run away
Drowning myself is a game I play
Drown myself away
Drown myself away
Goodbye
This is getting over you

I Could Kill People

As much as I'd like to report that things have magically altered between Afro Boy and I now that the new year has begun, I can't. The year started off well with him showing up once Ashley and I ended our nightly celebrations, but the past two days have been filled with let downs. With me still battling my cold and sticking to my resolution of not taking any bull, it's been more discouraging than ever since I haven't gotten the opportunity to lay it all out. Tonight he stated he was going out with a friend and would stop by later, and if he does I have a game plan all laid out:

First, I've done what he's doing. In the past I periodically fooled around with an ex, listened to his emotional frustrations, then bailed only to pop up weeks or months later into his life. Lather, rinse, repeat. Now, after what's been happening, I feel awful about the way I've acted, and there's no way I'm doing that to him again.

Second, in conjuction with the above statement - he's not the only one being affected. I don't know if he just doesn't really care or is aware of what this is doing to be, and I don't think I've given him an impression that would state otherwise, but he is being extremely selfish with how he's acting. He gets to stay guarded, emotionally distant, and can come and go as he pleases because he apparently has no emotional ties to what's going on. As much I want him to regard me with more care, I have a distinct feeling I'm not even an afterthought.

Third, once all that is out, he needs to decide then and there what he wants, and if it's something I agree with then things can proceed. If he states he "doesn't know" or "doesn't want to get hurt", I'm sorry, but grow the fuck up. This is what life and relationships are about - taking chances. If he ends up getting hurt, then he needs to pick his ass up and continue on. There is no sense in living life in fear of getting emotional scars or being unsure of what you want or need.