"Fo' Sho"

My resolution and Ashley's advice lead me to essentially blowing off Afro and telling him to do what he wants - that I'm not going to waste my energy into something that's one-sided. As soon as he realized what was going on he immediately became more open and emotionally honest with me, and it wasn't because he thought it was something I wanted to hear, he knew that I needed the honesty. He showed up last night around 3AM (since my internal time clock has been screwed up since New Year's festivities, I was still bouncing around my apartment) and we talked for over 3 hours about what was going on, how we felt, and what we saw was going to happen. He told me that he felt insecure about things since I'm "beautiful" and that I have so much going for me that he couldn't quite measure up, and that he was worried about getting involved because he didn't want to get hurt. I reassured him that there is no one else that I'm remotely interested in and that I've never felt so comfortable to be my stupid self around a guy before. With that, we moved on to discussing our families, how we were raised, and what we've been through.

The most distinct moment is truly one that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, whether 50 years down the road he's with me or not; while kissing me and holding my face, he pulled away, looked into my eyes and said "this just feels right". It was heart-crushing (but in an amazing way) to hear what I have been feeling since the first day I met him.

I've been able to hold back my feelings for him to keep from getting hurt and to maintain my 'take no shit' image, but I realized at that moment that I no longer have to do that. While I still don't want to get swept up in the moment and state that this is what I've been waiting and looking for, I finally understand that I can maintain who I am while no compromising what I want. When I'm with him I feel like someone besides Ashley just gets me, and no matter what outlandish statements I may make or opinions that I have he will care for me regardless. It's odd to be involved with someone who I don't feel as though I need to hold anything back from or bite my tongue for, and if things in the long-run don't work out I'll learn that I deserve someone who cares for me as I am.

As from my understanding we're together. There was nothing officially stated as far as girlfriend/boyfriend territory, but since we both said, while stone sober, that we can't imagine life without the other in it, I've taken that as a definite sign. It's a sign that from now on I'm going to be involved with someone who I trust with my heart and who I know cares for, respects, and is attracted to me with every part of them.