"Fix You" by Coldplay seems to sum up things between Christian and I up best; that no matter what happens, we'll always be there for eachother to make everything work. Although right now there issue of distance is something we'd both like to fix but can't for 2 more weeks, maybe less.
I'm back up in New Hampshire while he's training his replacement in Providence. He doesn't want to be there by any means as evident by the stream of sappy text messages we've been sending back and forth since I left on Thursday. God, it's only been 3 days? I feel...pathetic a bit for already missing him so much and while I've been telling myself that two weeks is nothing it still seems so daunting. I know the fact that we spent nearly every day together over the last few weeks surely didn't ease the separation.
This sort of seems like a running theme for our relationship, huh? Things get going, then dud out, then back up again, then flounders, and then now - going fantastic and then halted. Though now it's the circumstances and reality of things rather than him being dumb and trying to avoid getting caught up in things. Also, I can't help but wonder where we would be had he realized how ideal we are for eachother four or five months ago instead of two. In the same place? I actually think we would've probably been shacking up in Providence instead of here, which probably would've resulted in us being stagnant and near-broke for the next several months or year, so I'm glad that we're hurrying up and moving forward. It's funny though, as of lately the only thing I've been sure of is him. I used to have everything so mapped out, but now I know that as long as I have him there by my side, things will end up great.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
You need his balls for what, exactly?
Christian and I had our first minor issue last night and while I'm nearly over it, I have a looming feeling that it's going to be stuck in the back of my head for awhile.
He dated his ex-girlfriend on and off throughout high school and periodically fooled around with her throughout college as well as recently as this past December. I don't have an issue with that, especially since we weren't serious and just starting to get things going with figuring out what we wanted. The issue that I find a bit odd and clingly is that she calls him daily. She makes a point of it to call when her boyfriend (who she is living in) is not around since apparently he isn't too fond of the idea, and while I have no right to pick and choose who he talks to I can't helped but be a bit bothered by it.
Last night he went to go switch over his laundry at my place down the hallway and she called when he was heading out the door. After a few minutes I could hear him in the hall still talking to her and 15 minutes later he walked in to my apartment. I told him that while I understand him wanting to be considerate about being on the phone in front of me, I still would prefer that if he's discussing things about us that he not slip away to where he thinks he can't be heard. I've dealt with way too many shady exes to shake the trust issue I have, and while I trust him it's her I don't trust.
I mentioned to him that her checking in periodically is fine - Ben and I do that - but there's got to be another reason why she phones him every 24 hours. In my opinion it's because she's jealous that he's moved on, and although she herself has gotten into another relationship, he's been the male constant in her life so the fact that she isn't thought about as the top female is annoying her. And also the idea that having sex or fooling around with him again is out of the question. Christian had always told me "No, that's not it - yeah she's jealous, but she doesn't want me".
Well last night he totally ate his words. She was complaining about how she won't get to see him again when he moves, that he won't talk to her, etc. He told her that wasn't true, blah, blah, blah, and that if that does happen she can kick him in the balls. Her response? "No, I won't do that because I'm going to need them someday"....Excuse me? What was that? I ask him what he said back to her and he states that all he did was laugh "uncomfortably". Ok fine. At least he didn't agree, right? I told him that I would have rathered have him say something to remind her that, hello, he is in a relationship that doesn't include her. Even something like "Haha I don't think my girlfriend would exactly approve of that" would have sufficed.
We then have a big discussion (with Ashley on speakerphone) about how I don't have to trust her, only him, nothing is going to happen, how my trust level is shot due to the shit I have dealt with in the past, etc. I have a distinct feeling that she is going to be super phony when I meet her, but I'm just planning on killing her with kindness and being as close to perfection as possible to show her that I'm not threatened by her and that she will never get close to his junk ever again.
He dated his ex-girlfriend on and off throughout high school and periodically fooled around with her throughout college as well as recently as this past December. I don't have an issue with that, especially since we weren't serious and just starting to get things going with figuring out what we wanted. The issue that I find a bit odd and clingly is that she calls him daily. She makes a point of it to call when her boyfriend (who she is living in) is not around since apparently he isn't too fond of the idea, and while I have no right to pick and choose who he talks to I can't helped but be a bit bothered by it.
Last night he went to go switch over his laundry at my place down the hallway and she called when he was heading out the door. After a few minutes I could hear him in the hall still talking to her and 15 minutes later he walked in to my apartment. I told him that while I understand him wanting to be considerate about being on the phone in front of me, I still would prefer that if he's discussing things about us that he not slip away to where he thinks he can't be heard. I've dealt with way too many shady exes to shake the trust issue I have, and while I trust him it's her I don't trust.
I mentioned to him that her checking in periodically is fine - Ben and I do that - but there's got to be another reason why she phones him every 24 hours. In my opinion it's because she's jealous that he's moved on, and although she herself has gotten into another relationship, he's been the male constant in her life so the fact that she isn't thought about as the top female is annoying her. And also the idea that having sex or fooling around with him again is out of the question. Christian had always told me "No, that's not it - yeah she's jealous, but she doesn't want me".
Well last night he totally ate his words. She was complaining about how she won't get to see him again when he moves, that he won't talk to her, etc. He told her that wasn't true, blah, blah, blah, and that if that does happen she can kick him in the balls. Her response? "No, I won't do that because I'm going to need them someday"....Excuse me? What was that? I ask him what he said back to her and he states that all he did was laugh "uncomfortably". Ok fine. At least he didn't agree, right? I told him that I would have rathered have him say something to remind her that, hello, he is in a relationship that doesn't include her. Even something like "Haha I don't think my girlfriend would exactly approve of that" would have sufficed.
We then have a big discussion (with Ashley on speakerphone) about how I don't have to trust her, only him, nothing is going to happen, how my trust level is shot due to the shit I have dealt with in the past, etc. I have a distinct feeling that she is going to be super phony when I meet her, but I'm just planning on killing her with kindness and being as close to perfection as possible to show her that I'm not threatened by her and that she will never get close to his junk ever again.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Smirnoff thingamajig
I am numbing myself with alcohol and dancing around to Kasabian. Although right now it's more of a bouncing around. I have ISSUES with school which I refuse to admit until I can't fix them and have decided that there is NOTHING I can do til Monday. The selected caps lock make me feel more impowered.
Christian is at the Death Cab for Cutie show and mentioned that he plans on calling me when they play "I Will Follow You Into the Dark". I don't ----ehhhh. Scratch that thought. It's nice. And sappy. And thoughtful. He said that whenever he gets married instead of saying his vows he wants to sing that to the chick - at which point I pointed at myself heh. THAT'S RIGHT I JUST "HEH"ed. God dammit. So we're moving in together, granted it's into my parents house but this is like the beginning of everything. I never understood why this is so easy and everything with all the other guys I dated was so difficult. Probably because they were idiots. In any case, I'm thankful for it being easy; if anything it's more reassuring that he feels the same way and that things are going to work out. I've been extremely cautious since breaking up with Ross, hence the over 5 month blog mostly about the Christian situation, so to have everything go good for once scares the crap out of me and comforts me at the same time.
I am going to keep drinking.
Christian is at the Death Cab for Cutie show and mentioned that he plans on calling me when they play "I Will Follow You Into the Dark". I don't ----ehhhh. Scratch that thought. It's nice. And sappy. And thoughtful. He said that whenever he gets married instead of saying his vows he wants to sing that to the chick - at which point I pointed at myself heh. THAT'S RIGHT I JUST "HEH"ed. God dammit. So we're moving in together, granted it's into my parents house but this is like the beginning of everything. I never understood why this is so easy and everything with all the other guys I dated was so difficult. Probably because they were idiots. In any case, I'm thankful for it being easy; if anything it's more reassuring that he feels the same way and that things are going to work out. I've been extremely cautious since breaking up with Ross, hence the over 5 month blog mostly about the Christian situation, so to have everything go good for once scares the crap out of me and comforts me at the same time.
I am going to keep drinking.
Monday, May 5, 2008
This Modern Love
Things are on the up and up - or as up as they can go when moving back in with parents for the summer with boyfriend in tow. Yes, boyfriend in tow.
Christian came over last night and after sucking up the guilt of bouncing him from RI to NH, I brought up the subject of what we're going to do over the next few months. I told him that with my money/job/apartment situation down here, it would be smarter and easier for me to head home for the summer to save up and figure out where we're going to end up at the end of August. He was a bit taken aback, but then I told him that after talking to my mom, she mentioned that he's more than welcome to camp out with me in the furnished room in the basement rent free and I could see the relief wash over his face. I quickly pointed out the bonuses of it all before the fear was able to come back, like that it was only temporary, it would be easy to find a kitchen job, we can quickly save at least $5,000 or so, and since we're uprooting ourselves in just a few months from now, it would give us a chance to figure things out without worrying about money.
He told me that where ever I was going he wanted to be there - be it across the country or back in New Hampshire. I told him that I felt guilty about bouncing him two states away, but he told me that he needed to get things in gear anyways and that this would be a perfect motivator to move things along. I cannot even express how relieved I was to hear him say that. Apparently his roommate is considering leaving for a cruise ship job August 1st and is going down to the restaurant he and Christian both work at tomorrow to talk things over with the boss. Christian says he's going to use that timing to head down there with him and break the news to the both of them of what his plans are.
While I'm completely relieved that this all worked out, I'm still...stunned? Doubtful? Stressed? One of those. I might be more nervous/excited more than anything. Granted, we've spent a lot of time together for 2-3 spans at a time, but living together is going to be whole new environment. I have little doubt that things are going to bomb and turn out horribly; I think it's just that realization that 'holy shit, things are moving ahead like we planned' and 'has everything gone by so quickly already?'. So now I'm not stressed at least, just the scary realization that we're moving at full speed and not looking back.
Christian came over last night and after sucking up the guilt of bouncing him from RI to NH, I brought up the subject of what we're going to do over the next few months. I told him that with my money/job/apartment situation down here, it would be smarter and easier for me to head home for the summer to save up and figure out where we're going to end up at the end of August. He was a bit taken aback, but then I told him that after talking to my mom, she mentioned that he's more than welcome to camp out with me in the furnished room in the basement rent free and I could see the relief wash over his face. I quickly pointed out the bonuses of it all before the fear was able to come back, like that it was only temporary, it would be easy to find a kitchen job, we can quickly save at least $5,000 or so, and since we're uprooting ourselves in just a few months from now, it would give us a chance to figure things out without worrying about money.
He told me that where ever I was going he wanted to be there - be it across the country or back in New Hampshire. I told him that I felt guilty about bouncing him two states away, but he told me that he needed to get things in gear anyways and that this would be a perfect motivator to move things along. I cannot even express how relieved I was to hear him say that. Apparently his roommate is considering leaving for a cruise ship job August 1st and is going down to the restaurant he and Christian both work at tomorrow to talk things over with the boss. Christian says he's going to use that timing to head down there with him and break the news to the both of them of what his plans are.
While I'm completely relieved that this all worked out, I'm still...stunned? Doubtful? Stressed? One of those. I might be more nervous/excited more than anything. Granted, we've spent a lot of time together for 2-3 spans at a time, but living together is going to be whole new environment. I have little doubt that things are going to bomb and turn out horribly; I think it's just that realization that 'holy shit, things are moving ahead like we planned' and 'has everything gone by so quickly already?'. So now I'm not stressed at least, just the scary realization that we're moving at full speed and not looking back.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
I Will Possess Your Heart...And Stress You Out
Everything was rather uneventful until yesterday when by the power of Greyskull, everything went to shit. Ok, so maybe that's exaggerating, but I'm starting to sweat the end of the month.
I was already kind of up in the air about what I was doing until August/September (my GTFO out New England due date) but I was vaguely certain that I'd be sticking around Providence working and taking Spanish II at a local community college. I was going to probably move out of my apartment into a cheaper one or drag Ashley's ass down to Providence and split rent with me. Christian was going to stick around his apartment til August 1st when his roommate moves to CT for a job on a cruise ship, he'd keep working at the restaurant and save up money to pack up and move with me, where ever we may end up going.
Now yesterday he informs me that his landlord SOLD their apartment and have until the end of the month to move out. He says that he's found an apartment in Warwick, about 20 min from me but 2 min from his job, but the lease is 1 year and he doesn't want to sign it. It's going to be a hell of a time to find a place that's month to month or has extremely flexible lease terms without paying a ridiculous amount of money so he's stuck. I have been toying with the idea of him moving in here and us getting a 1 bedroom and splitting the $1200/month rent, but his roommate would be left high and dry (although I suppose he could move in with his girlfriend or find a cheap 1 bedroom). We wouldn't really be saving up enough money for when we move, so that's a limited option.
The other option: My mom, without yet meeting Christian, told me that we are "more than welcome" to move into their place in NH and live in the furnished basement. We wouldn't have to pay rent, utilities, buy food - nothing. We can live there over the summer, get jobs, and would save a shitload of money. While it seems like a good idea, I don't want Christian to feel as though I want him to uproot his life down here, quit his job, and bounce two states away for 3 months. I'm going to talk everything over with him tonight when I see him, but I'm pretty certain that's what my plan is going to be, and I'll try to haul my ass down to Providence as often as I can to see him, but I know it's going to suck. My fear is that it's going to end up like it did with the Redneck last year; granted Christian would never cheat on me or be shady, but I know that even a few hours of distance can really screw things up. Christian hates the idea of him moving 20 minutes away to a new place, so it's going to be so hard for him to be 2 hours away.
A small part of me realizes that this would all be so much easier and less stressful if I was single and didn't have anyone else to factor in (besides Ashley since we're pretty much attached to the hip). I'd move home, get my job back at the Canada place, save up roughly around $6,000 and then figure out where to go from there. But now with Christian it's a 'we' situation. It's funny though - he told his roommate, who's torn about leaving his girlfriend of 6 months to take the cruise ship job, to not even consider her a factor; to just do what he wants to do, and yet here we both are, together for almost 2 months and we're both stressing out how to work things out for the both of us. I asked Christian about that last week and he said it's because he can see us together 5 years from now whereas his roommate can't do the same. Then you have factor in us knowing each other for a year and a half, fooling around for a year, and then "dating" for 3 months before we made it official. I just don't want things to get all screwed up when they're going so well.
I was already kind of up in the air about what I was doing until August/September (my GTFO out New England due date) but I was vaguely certain that I'd be sticking around Providence working and taking Spanish II at a local community college. I was going to probably move out of my apartment into a cheaper one or drag Ashley's ass down to Providence and split rent with me. Christian was going to stick around his apartment til August 1st when his roommate moves to CT for a job on a cruise ship, he'd keep working at the restaurant and save up money to pack up and move with me, where ever we may end up going.
Now yesterday he informs me that his landlord SOLD their apartment and have until the end of the month to move out. He says that he's found an apartment in Warwick, about 20 min from me but 2 min from his job, but the lease is 1 year and he doesn't want to sign it. It's going to be a hell of a time to find a place that's month to month or has extremely flexible lease terms without paying a ridiculous amount of money so he's stuck. I have been toying with the idea of him moving in here and us getting a 1 bedroom and splitting the $1200/month rent, but his roommate would be left high and dry (although I suppose he could move in with his girlfriend or find a cheap 1 bedroom). We wouldn't really be saving up enough money for when we move, so that's a limited option.
The other option: My mom, without yet meeting Christian, told me that we are "more than welcome" to move into their place in NH and live in the furnished basement. We wouldn't have to pay rent, utilities, buy food - nothing. We can live there over the summer, get jobs, and would save a shitload of money. While it seems like a good idea, I don't want Christian to feel as though I want him to uproot his life down here, quit his job, and bounce two states away for 3 months. I'm going to talk everything over with him tonight when I see him, but I'm pretty certain that's what my plan is going to be, and I'll try to haul my ass down to Providence as often as I can to see him, but I know it's going to suck. My fear is that it's going to end up like it did with the Redneck last year; granted Christian would never cheat on me or be shady, but I know that even a few hours of distance can really screw things up. Christian hates the idea of him moving 20 minutes away to a new place, so it's going to be so hard for him to be 2 hours away.
A small part of me realizes that this would all be so much easier and less stressful if I was single and didn't have anyone else to factor in (besides Ashley since we're pretty much attached to the hip). I'd move home, get my job back at the Canada place, save up roughly around $6,000 and then figure out where to go from there. But now with Christian it's a 'we' situation. It's funny though - he told his roommate, who's torn about leaving his girlfriend of 6 months to take the cruise ship job, to not even consider her a factor; to just do what he wants to do, and yet here we both are, together for almost 2 months and we're both stressing out how to work things out for the both of us. I asked Christian about that last week and he said it's because he can see us together 5 years from now whereas his roommate can't do the same. Then you have factor in us knowing each other for a year and a half, fooling around for a year, and then "dating" for 3 months before we made it official. I just don't want things to get all screwed up when they're going so well.
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