Just When You Think You're Done For the Day

The Redneck just called me. He wished me and my family (who he dislikes all except for my younger brother) a Happy New Year and to "check in" to see how I was doing. He's still doing random scrap metal work and says his chances of returning up to East Bum Fuck in the summer to continue his water-based job is nil since he has "a lot going on at home" (i.e. girlfriend? Girlfriend that he already cheated on with a seacow?) He also mentioned that he was going to be heading up my way for his birthday since he's planning on hitting up Foxwoods with his friends and that if I "wasn't busy..." - I didn't even let him finish the sentence and immediately changed the subject.

I assumed the reason for him calling was because a certain loudmouth in my circle of friends has found out about Afro and I, so I wouldn't put it past her to mention something to him. The thing that frustrates me the most is that he won't just go away. There was no closure to how things ended and the way he talks to me by calling me "hon" is doing nothing to put things behind me. I do feel somewhat guilty about the things I had mentioned I'd done in the previous post, so it's frustrating to think that had I confessed everything would've been completely done. No random checking in phone calls, no niceness in conversations. But since things just dissolved over time, we lost touch, the distance which caused a rift was all the main reasons for things "ending" there was no final nail in the coffin. Techinically we could be still together for all I fucking know.

Tonight We're Going to Party Like it's...a Doomed Relationship.

New Year's Eve is here already and I can't help but reflect back on the dating ups and downs I've experienced over the last 12 months:

This time last year I was hanging out in a garage in Maryland playing beer pong, doing shots of Jack, and smoking cigars with mildly attractive friends of the Redneck. Of course what started off as a good time ended with a fight over the Redneck getting more obliterated that I have ever seen him, and we were forced to sleep on the floor since he was too drunk to drive home. That should've been a sign that our relationship was destined to crash and burn.

As things dissolved into an on-again, off-again relationship through April and May I cheated for the first time in any relationship. And cheated again. And again. And again. And again. Twice in New York City with two different people; Once with the Redneck's (supposed) best friend; Multiple times with Afro; Several occasions with Whitest Boy Alive; and a few times with a semi-guido who worked at the airport. The funny thing is, even after all that and blatanty knowing that what I was doing wasn't right and that obviously something was wrong with the Redneck and I's relationship, I still wanted to make it work. I think it was more of my pride than anything else. I never told him what had happened while he was ten states away for 2 months, and although he mildly suspected it, nothing was ever discussed. Who knows, he was probably doing the same thing.

While I consider myself a honest person (sometimes too honest) when it comes to friends and family, I know that my downfall in relationships is that I cover up any mistakes I make to have things seem as perfect as possible. Instead of confronting the Redneck and breaking things up while he was gone, I instead searched for someone who could temporarily take his place.

Part of me thinks that things with Afro will never work out simply because I cheated on the Redneck with him, and since Karma is a bitch, I'm going to get screwed over just like I screwed my boyfriend over. The other part of me is extremely paranoid of placing my trust in the wrong person and that by trying to start something with someone who was a knowing accomplice in my cheating is someone who isn't in fact very trustworthy at all.

To wrap all this up - my resolution for 2008 is to be honest with myself and whoever I enter a relationship with so that things don't go haywire. I need to be more considerate of my actions in regards to the other person, while maintaining a higher standard for myself.

I hope everyone has a fantastic night - since I'll be spending mine out on the town with my other half Ashley, I know that this New Year's Eve is going to be hard to beat!

Who Says That?!

What is the appropriate response to the following text message?

Me: "Whitest Boy Alive" JUST TEXTED ME
Me: ROFL
Me: ROFL
Me: HIS TEXT:
Ashley: LOL
Me: "so when do i get to see you again and make love :)"
Me: ROFL
Me: WTF
Me: WTF
Ashley: .....
Ashley: ..........
Ashley: ..............
Ashley: OMG.
Me: WTFUCKING HELL
Me: ROFL
Ashley: OMG.
Me: LOL
Ashley: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
Me: ROFL
Me: I WANNA FORWARD IT TO YOU
Ashley: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
Me: ROFL
Ashley: OH MY GOD.
Me: LOL WHAT DO YOU WRITE BACK TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT
Me: ROFL
Ashley: I NEED TO STEP OUT OF CAPSLOCK. THAT IS AMAZING.
Me: I FEEL DIRTY
Ashley: ohmygod
Me: lol
Ashley: rofl
Me: what the fuck
Ashley: iawtc
Ashley: I'm saving this.
Me: calling you
Ashley: This is EPIC.

Ashley and I have been saying nothing but "who says that?!" for the last five minutes. Right now we're soliciting advice from a certain band member who has plenty of experience in the "making loooooove" category.

Fools Rush In

What's the difference between rushing into things and wanting to be secure with a guy who likes you for the right reasons?

I know now that things with the Redneck were rushed into because of the circumstances in which myself and he were placed. At first he was my partner in crime, then my security blanket, and then my downfall. The whole arrangement of living together seemed like it would bring the both of us together and would force us to fix any problems we had immediately, but once we were apart, it was easy to see the issues that could never be fixed. I pushed aside what made me different from other girls, like my take-no-crap attitude and indie-punk outward appearance, so that he and I could some how physically and mentally relate. He had a clear idea of who he was and the fact that he was so different from everyone else stuck in drunken party-mode that I was drawn to that. Of course once the "honeymoon" phase was over, it was clear to see that he was more into getting intoxicated nightly and being self-absorbed than he was into caring for me and how I felt.

And now, while I like to think I've learned my lesson about anticipating romance and pushing myself into relationships because I want them to work, with the way I've been dealing with guys, notably Afro Boy, it clear I haven't. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance maintaining who I am while trying to fit someone into my world. I don't think I've found anyone who's my type - or actually I have, but he's locked in his room making mixes - so instead I've been trying to reason who my type is; "well he has good taste in music...but he smokes too much pot", "he's really funny...but he can drink a liter of whiskey in three days", "he's so sensitive and caring...but he whines like my four year old niece". I shouldn't have to work at these things, it should just be easy.

Maybe I like the challenge. Maybe I don't want to settle. I think I'm just afraid that I'll never find someone who makes it easy.

It's Like That Boy George Song

I think karma is coming back to bite me in the ass.

Since recently spending time with both Afro Boy and the Whitest Boy Alive, there seems to be a cycle that's going on. This past spring/early summer I had seen them both plationically while I was dating the Redneck and W.B.A would periodically pop in and out proclaiming his feelings towards me while I would disappear until he got over them. I was already in a committed relationship - albiet a completely fucked up one - but I was really taken aback by his fondness.

Flash-forward to things now. W.B.A is at it again, and the more time I've spent with him the more I can't really picture things moving toward a serious manner. He's a nice guy, but the type who would let me go all New York on his ass and wouldn't stand up for himself. So while I'm emotionally distancing myself from him, I'm becoming more and more fond of Afro Boy, who seems to be emotionally distancing himself from me. It's like a cycle of confusion, distrust, and people not wanting to be honest with eachother. I fully recognize now how W.B.A must have felt a few months ago, where I would randomly appear, accept his compliments and advances, then freak out and back off completely.

It's a weird situation. The guy who wants me to reciprocate, I want nothing romantic to do with while the guy who I want to reciprocate has "I don't know what I want" written on his forehead. I'm sure that once Afro Boy figures out what he wants (even if he does now, he has an ADD way of showing it) I'll be free from the college world and moving on, and I hate looking back on situations and wondering what could've happened if someone had just had the balls to open their mouth.

You Get Mixed Up With the Wrong Guys.

Since moving to Providence last week, my social life has been nothing but undramatic. The Ultimate White Boy showed up last Wednesday to celebrate my new place, and while I told myself that nothing would happen until I get a serious answer from him about whats going on, 2 hours in I had broken my promise. He had some excuse over the weekend that explained why he didn't call, and ended up texting me a few times asking me to come over and wanting to know when he'll see me again. The Afro Boy also made an appearance, and hung out with my partner in crime and I a few nights ago. I made it a point to let him know what I was thinking and the rapage that had happened a few months ago to which he responded in a genuinely concerned manner.

I think he's coming over tonight, so God knows what's going to happen. I'm trying to avoid getting emotionally wrapped up in anyone right now because with all that's happened I feel like I can't trust any straight guy. At what age does the "I'm just going to dick around" mentality disappear? If I asked myself a year ago that question I would've told myself that the Redneck must've skipped over that hormonal phase, but now I'm more convinced than ever that he was balls-deep in it.

Speaking of liking things balls-deep, there's a certain Saggy Stripper that has been the source of lolz and desire to shank from Ashley and I. I've tried to refrain from bringing up any sort of fattie drama, but this cannot be helped. I don't understand when people unnecessarily run their mouths and talk nothing but shit when they're either:
1) Not involved in the situation
2) Not involved in the situation but know someone who knows someone who was
3) Are disease-ridden twats

And this girl fits in all three options. Maybe all of her shit-talking will prove to be accurate down the line, which I doubt, but for now it's all just a headache. A fattie headache.

I Bet Hugh Grant Doesn't Roofie Girls

Watching Love Actually has gotten my hopes up that maybe all guys aren't the Devil incarnate and that maybe if I move to England I'll find a Hugh Grant/Colin Firth combination.

I'm moving to Providence Wednesday, officially. The first thing I'm going to do when I see Afro Boy (which is inevitable since I'm going to live 2 streets away) is to get everything out so there's not a question in his mind of what - and what isn't - going to happen. The Redneck and Near Rapage has left me with a rather untrusting outlook on men, and I think it's important that Afro knows what is in store. If he tells me that he's unsure of what he wants, then peace out. If he says that he doesn't want anything serious at all, no matter what the time frame, and just wants to dick around, then peace out again. But if he says that he understands where I'm coming from and swears to APA that he isn't going to screw me over, and is seriously looking to see what may happen between he and I, then fantastic. I'm certainly not in the mood to jump into another serious relationship that will surely end in chaos, and hopefully he'll be able to understand and agree with that.

I've also come to the realization that while I'm over the Redneck, I'm still not over the fact that I was basically an idiot and didn't see any of it coming. He used to tell me that he lives life with "no regrets", but from the lack of apology he's given me, it seems like he doesn't regret going to East Bumfuck, but that he started anything with me in the first place. Crashing realization, I must say. With the choice between him being up my ass and wanting to fix things for the short-term, and him being AWOL with very little contact whatsoever, I'd choose the latter, but now that I'm knee-deep in it, I'm almost wishing it was the first option. At least then I'd have some sort of empowerment and the fate of things would be in my corner, but with him not even wanting to take part makes him the hands-down victor.

Moving into Mob Territory

I'm officially moving into my apartment in Providence December 1st, thank APA. I've got the whole job/school thing figured out so I figured it was about time to get the hell out of New Hampshire.

When I went down to the complex to go over paperwork and last minute things, I had a rather odd sense of deja vu. At first I chalked it up to the fact that I'd been down there the previous week, but looking at the street signs as I was leaving I realized I was literally 2 streets away from Afro Boy's place. That wouldn't really be noteworthy if he had stayed disappeared. The past few nights, moreso the horn-fest last night, has been filled with dirty text messages any where from 2 in the afternoon to 1 o'clock in the morning. I'm trying my hardest not to get wrapped up in things because he's the classic wishy-washy WTF Is He Really Thinking Guy, but his humor and cuteness and that goddamn afro have made it near impossible for me to ignore.

Of course living in that close proximity could be good (i.e. frequent sexcapades), but this could all backfire. It could be like we spend time together, then more time, then we get annoyed by eachother, and then bumping into eachother at Whole Foods gets awkward. He'd disappear of the face of the earth again and I'd be stuck at home reminicing about his hair.

The Drunk Misadventures of Dating

I am rather intoxicated. Again.

Last night I had a dream which included Boy with an Afro who Likes Indie Bands and it made me immensely aware that I am not yet over him or our minor fling. This made me come to the conclusion that maybe he was interested in me when I was dating the Redneck, and now that I'm single he's gotten disinterested. I think. I think that makes sense. So. I've been fighting the temptation to text or call him since that would be wrong according to Greg, that I should let him come to me if he wants to make any sort of move. My impatience is going to get the best of me, I just know it, so I'm sure this time tomorrow there will be another update with a failed response from Afro.

But I liiiiiiiiike him. He's just different. And he has good hair. I find it frustrating that he was a key motivation for cheating on the Redneck, and now that I'm free of any ties he has shown his face or gotten in contact with me a handful of times. Of course that launches me into an insecure spiral, which I refuse to be sucked into, so I've convinced (or have tried to) myself that it's his problem - that maybe he's so taken by me that he's at a loss for words.

Or he could be interested in someone else.
Or already involved with someone else.
Or not even interested or involved with someone else, but still doesn't want me.

Goddammit. I'm texting him.

My gaydar is off

What are some defining characteristics of a guy being gay?

A What Team is He Playing For guy has recently caught my interest due to his good looks and ability to dose out 'ohnohedidn't' comments about a socially awkward girl in our class. The last few weeks I've blatantly described my recent date flops in hopes of him revealing if he's straight or the next Perez Hilton. The only sign that maaaaybe he isn't interested in just dicks is that I saw him check out my boobs in class. But then again they are rather awe-inspiring and my main gay has copped a feel a few times. It looks as though I may need to recruit him in order to see what way things swing.

Revenge of the Ex

On a personal note - Omar, you fall into the Bloke Who is Amazing But Lives Across the Pond category. But I may in fact be moving to London/Manchester area in about 6 months when I graduate, so who knows.

So. I was supposed to hang out with an ex tonight, the I'm Way too Nice for My Own Good, but in leiu of that I spent the night handing out candy to Michael Myers and skanky Snow White trick-or-treaters. I turned my phone off and discovered the pissed off voicemail I expected from the ex, but I tried to reason with myself that he should've expected it. Does that make me cold-hearted (Insert intro to that Jet song here)?

In other ex-related news, texting the Redneck was rather uneventful. Since things have ended and a few months later we've tried to forge the "let's be friends" routine, I've found myself wanting to crush him emotionally now more than ever. Asking him what exactly broke us up was anticlamatic, as was the 'do you think we'll ever get back together' text to which he responded "maybe". I don't want a "maybe". I want an "I hope so". I want something to prove to me that he is as hurt as I am from it all.

But then again he is fucking a seacow. I think that's payback enough.

I know what boys like. Or at the least the shitty ones.

And we're back.

After some misguided judgements and occassional near rapage, I've survived. Only to have more WTFness at WBCN's Big Creepy Night party in Boston this past Friday. I have summed up that all guys are either sketchy, insane, or have no idea how to proceed in certain situations. None are normal. Or the ones who seem normal are the ones who you later on discover a bomb about (Hello?! A wife and two kids?! I think you miiiiight want to mention that before you hang all over me). While I think my love life would be so much easier if I was into chicks, since I don't see that happening, I'm screwed.

That's where this blog comes in. From now on a blog will be made any time I meet a guy who falls into the following categories:
1. The Yeah, I'm "Single" Guy
2. The I Swear I Don't Get Service in (insert location here) So That's Why I Didn't Call Guy
3. The No, I Don't Like You But I'm Still Going to Rip Your Pants Off and Try to Have Sex With You Guy
4. The Walking STD Guy
5. The I Just Don't Know What I Want Except For The Fact That It Involves You Naked Guy

I'm sure that there's bound to be more breeds that crop up along the way since God knows I seem to be attracting all them. Stay tuned.