Things have been a bit hectic with the mold issue in our apartment (that will hopefully get resolved soon) and with me landing the position of Assistant Spa Director at a major hotel in New Castle, NH. I've been enjoying the perks of the position, like yesterday with a free eyebrow wax and today with an hour long free massage. Both done while on the clock mind you. I've been doing my best not to get too stressed out, but with Christian working all the time I feel like we're settling into a routine of him pestering me to no end when I get home from work which then results in me being pissy and grumpy. I'm tired, stressed out, and starting to finally get my shit together and the last thing I need is to be constantly poked in my side for 5 minutes all the while telling him repeatedly to stop. Last night when I finally had enough I yelled at him to cut it out and then he got pissed off at me for yelling. I tried to explain to him the cause and effect of his actions (ie "I don't like when you do A, it makes me B, so don't do it") but he still pointed the blame on things on me. We both got home rather early today, him at 4ish and me a bit past 5, and after eating dinner I go in here to check my email. I can't so much as walk into another room without him yelling after me about something, whether it be that I "hate him", don't want to spend time with him, you name it. I know that he's joking, but for fuck sake - give me ten minutes to go into another room and do whatever the hell I want. I don't need a guilt trip on how I'm "ignoring" you and I certainly don't need a lighter whipped into the room behind my chair so that I'll turn around and you can make some faux-sad face and whine about how I don't love you. I feel like I'm babysitting the most attention whore kid in the world and not getting paid.

I've Been Slacking

Talk about ignoring my blog, jeez. Here's the rundown of what's happened over the last several weeks:

- Christian and I successfully moved into our apartment and although it is a mishmash of crappy furniture from my parents basement and posters of Interpol and Trainspotting, it's turning out to be quite nice. I've discovered that we both loathe to do the dishes, as even with a dishwasher we still have ones piled in the sink from dinner last night.
- Christian has been working all the time so that we have enough money for bills, rent, food/living expenses, since my broke ass has been unemployed since graduation. I just found out today that my old job at the Canada tour operation needs me about 15-20hrs/week starting Monday so that's something. Plus they know that as soon as I find a better job, I'm out the door. Speaking of which, I have an interview on Friday for a Spa Manager position at Wentworth by the Sea - a huge, ritzy hotel in Newcastle. I didn't even technically apply for the position; word of mouth spread from one hotel to another and soon the GM was calling me.
- Also on Friday, Christian and I are picking up our 8 week old kitten that we met last week! Granted, we have to go an hour into East Chugafuck, Maine to get it but the little thing is so cute and tiny that we had to get it. Being the idiots that we are, we totally forgot to ask what sex it is, so on Friday we're either naming it Stella or Nelson, depending on what it is.
- At the end of the month we're going to Cara's daughter's birthday party in Providence, and then from there driving to Conneticut so I can meet Christian's mother and sister. His sister Lauren is flying out from Chicago to go with their mom to Antiques Roadshow since she had won tickets (valued at $300! WTF). I'm a little nervous since I've heard that his mom is a no-nonsense kind of woman, but he says that I should get along great with Lauren since we have similar tastes in music, movies, etc.
- Oh and then last night I had a dream/wtfnightmare that I had heard from my ex Matt and he wanted to hang out. We went to some restaurant/hotel/bar place and while we were waiting to be seated, he kept whining and bitching about stupid things. So I get annoyed, tell him to shut up and how much I can't stand him and don't want to be his friend. He starts crying to some waitress and another comes over to me and I explain how he's clingly and a wuss. Then he flips the fuck out, like psychotic. He gets some sort of gun and as I jump behind the coat check-in booth, Adam Goldberg comes out of nowhere and shoots him. Adam Goldberg is in fucking EVERYTHING.

Movin' On Up

In about a week Christian and I are moving into our apartment and finally getting out of my parent's place. Even though we've only been here for about a month, it sure seems a hell of a lot longer. We both have a distinct feeling that everything is going to insanely well - especially since we've had to deal with the added stress here and things have been good.

Next week is going to be eventful, with the WFNX party in Boston and then The Killers show the following night at Foxwoods. As far as I know we're heading down early for the concert since Christian took the day off and with my current unemployment it's not like I have anything else to do. I'm preparing myself now for the long 3 hour ride back that will no doubt occur at 1AM. Ahh, the sacrifices I make for my glittery homo Brandon.

We are cute.

Suzy Homemaker

Today is the last day I'll be living "alone" for who knows how long - forever, maybe? Granted, considering I'm camping out in my parent's house I'm not exactly alone, but it's surely the end of my single living existance. Christian moves in tomorrow and while I'm absolutely convinced that living with him will be nothing short of wonderful, the same old fears of me driving him nuts have of course resurfaced. The other sort of scary-exciting thing is that this could be it. While I haven't been single for almost 3 months, this is solidifying the fact that I am entirely in a relationship. It isn't long-distance or a situation where we only see each other a few nights a week; this is the point of no return - minus the suspenseful music. I still wonder how the hell I got here and am still stunned at how easy it all was. Is this a fluke or is this the way love is supposed to be? Either way I think I'm pretty goddamn lucky.

Oh my God, I miss him so much.

He's Going to Fix Me

"Fix You" by Coldplay seems to sum up things between Christian and I up best; that no matter what happens, we'll always be there for eachother to make everything work. Although right now there issue of distance is something we'd both like to fix but can't for 2 more weeks, maybe less.

I'm back up in New Hampshire while he's training his replacement in Providence. He doesn't want to be there by any means as evident by the stream of sappy text messages we've been sending back and forth since I left on Thursday. God, it's only been 3 days? I feel...pathetic a bit for already missing him so much and while I've been telling myself that two weeks is nothing it still seems so daunting. I know the fact that we spent nearly every day together over the last few weeks surely didn't ease the separation.

This sort of seems like a running theme for our relationship, huh? Things get going, then dud out, then back up again, then flounders, and then now - going fantastic and then halted. Though now it's the circumstances and reality of things rather than him being dumb and trying to avoid getting caught up in things. Also, I can't help but wonder where we would be had he realized how ideal we are for eachother four or five months ago instead of two. In the same place? I actually think we would've probably been shacking up in Providence instead of here, which probably would've resulted in us being stagnant and near-broke for the next several months or year, so I'm glad that we're hurrying up and moving forward. It's funny though, as of lately the only thing I've been sure of is him. I used to have everything so mapped out, but now I know that as long as I have him there by my side, things will end up great.

You need his balls for what, exactly?

Christian and I had our first minor issue last night and while I'm nearly over it, I have a looming feeling that it's going to be stuck in the back of my head for awhile.

He dated his ex-girlfriend on and off throughout high school and periodically fooled around with her throughout college as well as recently as this past December. I don't have an issue with that, especially since we weren't serious and just starting to get things going with figuring out what we wanted. The issue that I find a bit odd and clingly is that she calls him daily. She makes a point of it to call when her boyfriend (who she is living in) is not around since apparently he isn't too fond of the idea, and while I have no right to pick and choose who he talks to I can't helped but be a bit bothered by it.

Last night he went to go switch over his laundry at my place down the hallway and she called when he was heading out the door. After a few minutes I could hear him in the hall still talking to her and 15 minutes later he walked in to my apartment. I told him that while I understand him wanting to be considerate about being on the phone in front of me, I still would prefer that if he's discussing things about us that he not slip away to where he thinks he can't be heard. I've dealt with way too many shady exes to shake the trust issue I have, and while I trust him it's her I don't trust.

I mentioned to him that her checking in periodically is fine - Ben and I do that - but there's got to be another reason why she phones him every 24 hours. In my opinion it's because she's jealous that he's moved on, and although she herself has gotten into another relationship, he's been the male constant in her life so the fact that she isn't thought about as the top female is annoying her. And also the idea that having sex or fooling around with him again is out of the question. Christian had always told me "No, that's not it - yeah she's jealous, but she doesn't want me".

Well last night he totally ate his words. She was complaining about how she won't get to see him again when he moves, that he won't talk to her, etc. He told her that wasn't true, blah, blah, blah, and that if that does happen she can kick him in the balls. Her response? "No, I won't do that because I'm going to need them someday"....Excuse me? What was that? I ask him what he said back to her and he states that all he did was laugh "uncomfortably". Ok fine. At least he didn't agree, right? I told him that I would have rathered have him say something to remind her that, hello, he is in a relationship that doesn't include her. Even something like "Haha I don't think my girlfriend would exactly approve of that" would have sufficed.

We then have a big discussion (with Ashley on speakerphone) about how I don't have to trust her, only him, nothing is going to happen, how my trust level is shot due to the shit I have dealt with in the past, etc. I have a distinct feeling that she is going to be super phony when I meet her, but I'm just planning on killing her with kindness and being as close to perfection as possible to show her that I'm not threatened by her and that she will never get close to his junk ever again.

Smirnoff thingamajig

I am numbing myself with alcohol and dancing around to Kasabian. Although right now it's more of a bouncing around. I have ISSUES with school which I refuse to admit until I can't fix them and have decided that there is NOTHING I can do til Monday. The selected caps lock make me feel more impowered.

Christian is at the Death Cab for Cutie show and mentioned that he plans on calling me when they play "I Will Follow You Into the Dark". I don't ----ehhhh. Scratch that thought. It's nice. And sappy. And thoughtful. He said that whenever he gets married instead of saying his vows he wants to sing that to the chick - at which point I pointed at myself heh. THAT'S RIGHT I JUST "HEH"ed. God dammit. So we're moving in together, granted it's into my parents house but this is like the beginning of everything. I never understood why this is so easy and everything with all the other guys I dated was so difficult. Probably because they were idiots. In any case, I'm thankful for it being easy; if anything it's more reassuring that he feels the same way and that things are going to work out. I've been extremely cautious since breaking up with Ross, hence the over 5 month blog mostly about the Christian situation, so to have everything go good for once scares the crap out of me and comforts me at the same time.

I am going to keep drinking.

This Modern Love

Things are on the up and up - or as up as they can go when moving back in with parents for the summer with boyfriend in tow. Yes, boyfriend in tow.

Christian came over last night and after sucking up the guilt of bouncing him from RI to NH, I brought up the subject of what we're going to do over the next few months. I told him that with my money/job/apartment situation down here, it would be smarter and easier for me to head home for the summer to save up and figure out where we're going to end up at the end of August. He was a bit taken aback, but then I told him that after talking to my mom, she mentioned that he's more than welcome to camp out with me in the furnished room in the basement rent free and I could see the relief wash over his face. I quickly pointed out the bonuses of it all before the fear was able to come back, like that it was only temporary, it would be easy to find a kitchen job, we can quickly save at least $5,000 or so, and since we're uprooting ourselves in just a few months from now, it would give us a chance to figure things out without worrying about money.

He told me that where ever I was going he wanted to be there - be it across the country or back in New Hampshire. I told him that I felt guilty about bouncing him two states away, but he told me that he needed to get things in gear anyways and that this would be a perfect motivator to move things along. I cannot even express how relieved I was to hear him say that. Apparently his roommate is considering leaving for a cruise ship job August 1st and is going down to the restaurant he and Christian both work at tomorrow to talk things over with the boss. Christian says he's going to use that timing to head down there with him and break the news to the both of them of what his plans are.

While I'm completely relieved that this all worked out, I'm still...stunned? Doubtful? Stressed? One of those. I might be more nervous/excited more than anything. Granted, we've spent a lot of time together for 2-3 spans at a time, but living together is going to be whole new environment. I have little doubt that things are going to bomb and turn out horribly; I think it's just that realization that 'holy shit, things are moving ahead like we planned' and 'has everything gone by so quickly already?'. So now I'm not stressed at least, just the scary realization that we're moving at full speed and not looking back.

I Will Possess Your Heart...And Stress You Out

Everything was rather uneventful until yesterday when by the power of Greyskull, everything went to shit. Ok, so maybe that's exaggerating, but I'm starting to sweat the end of the month.

I was already kind of up in the air about what I was doing until August/September (my GTFO out New England due date) but I was vaguely certain that I'd be sticking around Providence working and taking Spanish II at a local community college. I was going to probably move out of my apartment into a cheaper one or drag Ashley's ass down to Providence and split rent with me. Christian was going to stick around his apartment til August 1st when his roommate moves to CT for a job on a cruise ship, he'd keep working at the restaurant and save up money to pack up and move with me, where ever we may end up going.

Now yesterday he informs me that his landlord SOLD their apartment and have until the end of the month to move out. He says that he's found an apartment in Warwick, about 20 min from me but 2 min from his job, but the lease is 1 year and he doesn't want to sign it. It's going to be a hell of a time to find a place that's month to month or has extremely flexible lease terms without paying a ridiculous amount of money so he's stuck. I have been toying with the idea of him moving in here and us getting a 1 bedroom and splitting the $1200/month rent, but his roommate would be left high and dry (although I suppose he could move in with his girlfriend or find a cheap 1 bedroom). We wouldn't really be saving up enough money for when we move, so that's a limited option.

The other option: My mom, without yet meeting Christian, told me that we are "more than welcome" to move into their place in NH and live in the furnished basement. We wouldn't have to pay rent, utilities, buy food - nothing. We can live there over the summer, get jobs, and would save a shitload of money. While it seems like a good idea, I don't want Christian to feel as though I want him to uproot his life down here, quit his job, and bounce two states away for 3 months. I'm going to talk everything over with him tonight when I see him, but I'm pretty certain that's what my plan is going to be, and I'll try to haul my ass down to Providence as often as I can to see him, but I know it's going to suck. My fear is that it's going to end up like it did with the Redneck last year; granted Christian would never cheat on me or be shady, but I know that even a few hours of distance can really screw things up. Christian hates the idea of him moving 20 minutes away to a new place, so it's going to be so hard for him to be 2 hours away.

A small part of me realizes that this would all be so much easier and less stressful if I was single and didn't have anyone else to factor in (besides Ashley since we're pretty much attached to the hip). I'd move home, get my job back at the Canada place, save up roughly around $6,000 and then figure out where to go from there. But now with Christian it's a 'we' situation. It's funny though - he told his roommate, who's torn about leaving his girlfriend of 6 months to take the cruise ship job, to not even consider her a factor; to just do what he wants to do, and yet here we both are, together for almost 2 months and we're both stressing out how to work things out for the both of us. I asked Christian about that last week and he said it's because he can see us together 5 years from now whereas his roommate can't do the same. Then you have factor in us knowing each other for a year and a half, fooling around for a year, and then "dating" for 3 months before we made it official. I just don't want things to get all screwed up when they're going so well.

LOL

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Bring It Back Now

I veered off course somewhere in the original purpose of creating this blog. It's been filled with a mish mash of "will they/won't they" starring yours truly and Christian with cameos from Ashley and my drunken alter ego. It's like Dawson's Creek all over again, Jesus Christ.

So I bring you this video in hopes of winding up back where we started off. As Ashley and I were exiting my apartment to partake in the festivities of Christian's birthday last Thursday, I heard sounds coming from down the hallway. Upon further investigation we discovered that my 70+ neighbor was watching lesbian porn and, due to his apparent deafness, had the volume cranked to 11. Enjoy.

Check out this video: OH. HARDER. HARDER.



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Bermuda, Bahama, C'mon Baby...Mama?

Just as further proof that Christian is the greatest boyfriend in the universe, last night he told me my graduationation present - to plan a vacation for us and expenses were on him. I need to get the budget for the trip and dates today so I know where to start looking, but we're definitely looking towards a beachy, tropical location. Bermuda seems like a good fit, NCL offers a cruise out of Boston which spends 4 days at the island. Staying in a hotel there for say, 5 days, and flying out there would roughly cost $1800 but since Bermuda is not a fan of all-inclusive resorts, we'd be tacking on another $500 in meals and booze. The best place to go would be either Ocho Rios or Negril, Jamaica. Not only does it have loads of all-inclusive resorts located right on the beach with the 5 day stay totalling $1200 w/out airfare, Christian's biological father is from the island. Not only would it be relaxing and romantic, but he'd get to experience a large part of who he is.

Diabeetus

The boy and I have made it over the 1 month hump; surprisingly he was the one to remind me of out "anniversary" the other day which was refreshing. It seems like he's the middle of the two extremes of my last two relationships. Matt was all "I love yeeew" and was non-stop sappy, whiney, and pathetic (not to mention a kinky little bastard - MY VAGINA IS NOT A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT KTHX). The Redneck would have preferred to smack me upside the head, push, yank me around my hair or drink a liter of whiskey rather than let me know how he was feeling. I'm relieved that I'll never have to deal with either of those types again. Funny how I went from a complete pussy to an abusive closeted homo (OH THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT).

I'm sure the Brokeback homo has heard about Christian and I by now, god knows I did the high school thing and announced it on Facebook and Myspace, either through the dirty skank Tricia or the pervy nerd Jesse. I bet the Redneck is ramming his seacow girlfriend extra hard out of anger. It's his own fault for god sake! He was an idiot not to know that something was going on, especially when I told him I went to the movies with Christian and fractured my tibia. Or when my douche roommated decided to call him and let him know I was caught red handed sucking face (thanks Bret for that phrase btw) with my now boyfriend. But then again, he was probably too busy pretending to be Jake Gyllllennahalllall with some dude. Y'know he's totally a bottom.

Entering Vomitville

We're way too disgustingly cute.

I Look Like a Hooker

Another weekend with my partner in crime, Ashley, is in full swing and by my request I let her put her Clinque skillz to work by making me look at trashy as possible. Needless to say she far exceeded my expectations. I'd be asking for $5 at most.

Onto where we left off last time - I believe my love-hate relationship with Christian was plummeting into a downward spirl (or upward into goodness, I don't quite remember). My birthday several weeks ago was definitely one to be remembered since he came over and shot out the question that had been floating in the air for the last several months - "will you be my girlfriend?". So it was second grade, but then again it had to be resorted to that level so that we both fully understood what we wanted, expected, and needed from the other. I, of course, said yes and the last three and a half weeks has been nothing but positive, romantic, and more than I ever expected. So much so that my typical "don't even try to screw me over" defensive was broken and I admitted just how much I care about him by dropping the L-bomb. While it seems like things have moved rapidly, we're both focusing on the fact that we've known something was there between us from the get-go, something way more involved and deep than either one of us had felt before.

So we're in love. Tomorrow after bringing Ashley home to the boonies of Mass., I'm heading over his place to play house for the evening while he makes us tacos and then cuddles on the couch with me to watch the finale of Rock of Love.

Lessons in Classy Behavior

Tonight I'm drinking cheap red wine out of a glass. Impressive, isn't it? Forgive me for any misspellings or drunken ramblings because I'm on my 3rd glass of Little Penguin wine.

I got a job offer from American Express as a Group Air Reservation Manager - that long title has to pay pretty well, right? It's in Phoenix, Arizona which is getting close to my goal of being in Cali, but since it's the first (of many, I hope) job offers, I haven't said yes yet. I have about a month an a half until I graduate to make my decision and I know that where ever I end up it'll be a lot better than LOLCruiseBrothers, that's for sure. I told Christian about the Amex job and he said congrats, upon which I told him that I'm going to kidnap him and bring him with me. His reply:
"Sounds good to me! I'm yours"
Now, does that signify a relationship? We still have yet to properly establish anything about what we're doing so I'm not sure how to proceed. He's apparently going to come over tonight as I've drunkenly demanded that he show up after work and make out with me, so I suppose tonight would be a good time to mention what's going on. That way since I'm drunk, if things turn out bad then I won't really remember it and/or care, but if things turn out good...well hopefully I'll remember that. In any case, whether he shows up or not, I'm going to continue drinking my wine, listening to Bloc Party, and preparing myself for giving a dramatic "I quit asshole!" statement tomorrow at work.

Needless to say, I have a hickey on my neck.

Where the hell did I leave off? Oh right, the whole online dating scheme that failed miserably. I bounced off that site after 3 days.

After taking time out of the Christian senario for a few weeks, he made a surprisingly open, thoughtful, and apologetic text to me earlier this week:

"So as I lay in bed I realize I lost a girl that was perfect for me and honestly lately its really bothered me. I hope that maybe one day you will find the heart to give me another chance. You are beautiful and any guy that gets to be with you is a lucky man."

That was the gist of it, he also mentioned about how the fact that he felt so comfortable and connected with me "scared the shit" out of him. I was unsure at first if he was covering his ass and trying to suck up or if he was genuinely sorry for what had happened. I told him that if he was serious, no wishy-washiness, then I'd give him another chance to make things right. And the chance was last night.

When yesterday started I should've known that some degree of "WTF my luck is finally changing?!" was to be set in. First, I was chosed to adopt a 50lb English Bulldog named Winnie who I picked up from work. Shortly after Ashley ended up in Providence to meet her new daughter and crash at my place for the night. A text from Christian followed soon after and after betting with Ashley on whether or not he would actually show his face - he showed up. After everything that has gone between he and I things were undoubtedly awkward at first, with him being very careful about his responses to anything I asked. While it could just be him being unsure of things, I tend to believe that he realizes that now is the time for him to step up and is worried that any wrong thing could get him crossed out of my life permanently.

Why is it that sometimes it seems like the relationships with the least amount of arguments is the one that stresses you out the most? I am fully embracing a conventional relationship where everything is just easy since my last few have been filled with chaos. But with things being so comfortable and natural, why is it so damn hard for it to get off the ground? After last night I have no idea where we stand. We could be just messing around, casually dating each other, or starting something serious for all I know.

What exactly is wrong with men? HUH?!

I decided that since it's the 21st Century and since nearly everyone is doing it, I signed up for a dating website just for the sheer "fun" of it. So, after spending time filling all the shit out on Okcupid.com and being as true to who I am as possible, I get the following message from a fucktard:

You seem sexy, cocky, and sassy. You can probably turn men into putty in your hands. So what do you have going for you besides your looks? And why are you worth the drama that you would inevitably put me through?

Excuse me? I just wrote him back telling him that first of all, I steer clear of any drama and that for him to assume I would make his life a living hell is bullshit. Number one, he is completely, 100% unattractive (sorry, I don't go for the fat 40 year olds) and his profile reads like someone was just pounding on keys. Second, what the hell makes him think I have nothing else going for me besides my looks? Is this suppose to make me attracted to him? I am surely smarter, more educated, and more tactful than he will ever be in his fat fucking life, and his message just further proves that.

Maybe its the wine that's gotten me riled up, but I am not dealing with this bullshit from men any. fucking. longer.

My Red Plastic Cup of Cheap Wine is Better than Yours

My Valentine's Day is being spent drinking cheap red wine out of a red plastic cup and talking to Ashley on speakerphone while randomly yelling out verses to songs. Christian asked me to "hang out" tomorrow night because he has something for me, and so I'm crossing my fingers that it's Jay-Z's new album so I can take the CD and boot his ass out. It makes me wonder what he's also up to tonight besides working. And now we're looking up my orange-looking coworker on myspace. It's been an eventful night.

I Can Foreshadow Like Nobody's Business!

That last post was written 20 minutes before getting the following text from Christian:
"I'm so sorry about tonight. I just got home from the park with my friend and we did acid so I'm super fucked up"
WELL THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW. Needless to say the first thing I did, besides texting him back that he's and idiot and I hate him, I called up Ashley freaking out. Then I got the urge to punch him in the face, ignored his millions of texts that followed, and watched Prison Break.

I Still Don't Get it

I could be making out and/or having sex with a hot, tall, built guy right now that I barely know and getting attention even though that's not what I want, but it seems like the idea I have in my head of love and romance is unattainable. I just don't understand it. I don't understand if it's something that I'm doing wrong or if it's just him. I feel like I'm putting my hopes into something that doesn't exist.

Last night Christian (who I've been referring to as 'Afro') gave me the idea that things, yet again, would be different and I could feel it in my heart that he meant it. I know that this isn't how things are meant to be, and as much as I don't want to put aside my idea wanting someone amazing, I can't stop figuring out why I keep settling for okay. Ever since I started dating I was with guys who were funny but idiots, sweet but a cheater, charming but abusive, and I want to break this cycle. I know in my head that I deserve better and deserve to have someone wonderful who won't break my heart, but the idea of ever reaching that is slipping away.

And that leaves me here. awaiting for a night that probably won't happen, a relationship that won't get off the ground, and someone who I can count on who never shows me he's reliable. I've sunk so low in trying to figure this out that I even sent a text to the Redneck asking him to call me back and give me advice; that maybe he can give me some signal as to why I'm doing this to myself. I want to think that it's the surroundings I'm in that are messing me up, but I'm terrified that once I get out of my little bubble of Providence I'm just going to end up the same place I'm in right now - upset, confused, hurt, disappointed, and cursing at myself.

Something has got to give.

A Valentine's Day that Maybe Won't Eat it

Let's back up to Thursday night and recall the following texts from Afro:
"I can't wait to see you tonight" 6:50PM
"I'm leaving work now so I'll let you know when I'm leaving my place" 10:45PM
"My buddy stopped by work and held us up so I swear I'm leaving now" 11:20PM
Now picture me replying back to each text with an "Ok, great" although half assuming that he won't show. Now picture me over-tired and now wide awake at 2AM watching Mitch Hedberg on Comedy Central because I stayed up and pushed past the 'must sleeeeeep' phase, laughing my head off and cursing Afro for disappearing again.

After confering with Ashley Friday morning about the situation, she urged me to do one of two things -
1. Ignore him. Pretend he doesn't exist, disregard any text messages or phone calls, dismiss him as a person entirely until it kills him.
2. Tell him exactly what's on my mind. Not the watered down "it would've been nice of you to call me, but I understand" version, but the "you're an asshole, you really don't give a shit about anyone but yourself" one.

And of course I chose the second option.
My text message to him Friday morning consisted of me telling him that he's selfish, how I was pissed off, how if he can't even extend me the courtesy of breaking plans rather than just not show up then he doesn't give a shit, etc. He responded back that he was sorry and even admitted to sounding like a 'broken record', but I just told him I really didn't care anymore. I didn't talk to him from Friday until last night, where he told me that he wanted to show me that he's sorry, etc. I half-heartedly told him "fine, whatever" and expected not to see him last night.

He showed up. While I'm still keeping my emotions a good arm's distance away, he was the one who broke down his own emotional wall. He told me that he knows he was acting flaky and said that he was doing it without regard because I would typically welcome him back it. He said that the texts I had sent him Friday morning explaining that I was done with him and how he needs to grow a pair made him realize what he was doing and how it was affecting me, and that he didn't want to do that to me anymore. I told him to his face that the other night was the last straw, that if he makes plans and blows me off again, I won't even think twice about dropping him like a bad habit. The night went really well after that. He invited me over for next Monday to watch our shared crack-like addiction to Prisonbreak together, but insisted that he would be coming over here "at least once" before then so that I can see he's serious about things.

And the last item - he asked me to be his Valentine. Even if we don't do anything except hang in, make out, and watch Uncle Buck, it will still be a million times better than any other V-day simply for the fact that it'll be with him.

So the lesson learned here, kids?
Don't be afraid to speak up when it comes to guys and relationships. It's always been an unspoken notion in girls' heads (or at least mine) that if they bring up the topic of the future of the relationship/how she feels for him/what he feels for her that the guy will go running. So they (I) keep their mouth shut to him, complain to friends, and come to their own conclusions of how they think he feels so that they don't feel like they're in the dark, but they never really find out. The bottom line is, if the guy goes fleeing the minute you question where things stand then he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone else, and we deserve better.

:( Part Two

I don't get it. I just don't fucking get it.

The first person I called when I heard Heath Ledger died was Ashley. Ten minutes later I got a text from her asking me if it was weird that she was crying. Hearing that from her immediately made me burst into tears again, and even now I'm still having a hard time believing it's true.

CNN is making a mockery of the entire thing; replaying the stretcher being brought out to the hospital morgue van and making assumptions that it was a suicide. My heart goes out to his family, especially his two year old daughter who will surely learn what an amazing actor her father was.

:(

Brad Renfro died yesterday morning at age 25. So far the cause of death is unknown, but I'm guessing it was drug-related since he's been in and out of court for heroin possession for the last few years. Apt Pupil and The Cure have always been a few of my favorite movies, and it's a shame that such genuine talent will cease to exist.

"Fo' Sho"

My resolution and Ashley's advice lead me to essentially blowing off Afro and telling him to do what he wants - that I'm not going to waste my energy into something that's one-sided. As soon as he realized what was going on he immediately became more open and emotionally honest with me, and it wasn't because he thought it was something I wanted to hear, he knew that I needed the honesty. He showed up last night around 3AM (since my internal time clock has been screwed up since New Year's festivities, I was still bouncing around my apartment) and we talked for over 3 hours about what was going on, how we felt, and what we saw was going to happen. He told me that he felt insecure about things since I'm "beautiful" and that I have so much going for me that he couldn't quite measure up, and that he was worried about getting involved because he didn't want to get hurt. I reassured him that there is no one else that I'm remotely interested in and that I've never felt so comfortable to be my stupid self around a guy before. With that, we moved on to discussing our families, how we were raised, and what we've been through.

The most distinct moment is truly one that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, whether 50 years down the road he's with me or not; while kissing me and holding my face, he pulled away, looked into my eyes and said "this just feels right". It was heart-crushing (but in an amazing way) to hear what I have been feeling since the first day I met him.

I've been able to hold back my feelings for him to keep from getting hurt and to maintain my 'take no shit' image, but I realized at that moment that I no longer have to do that. While I still don't want to get swept up in the moment and state that this is what I've been waiting and looking for, I finally understand that I can maintain who I am while no compromising what I want. When I'm with him I feel like someone besides Ashley just gets me, and no matter what outlandish statements I may make or opinions that I have he will care for me regardless. It's odd to be involved with someone who I don't feel as though I need to hold anything back from or bite my tongue for, and if things in the long-run don't work out I'll learn that I deserve someone who cares for me as I am.

As from my understanding we're together. There was nothing officially stated as far as girlfriend/boyfriend territory, but since we both said, while stone sober, that we can't imagine life without the other in it, I've taken that as a definite sign. It's a sign that from now on I'm going to be involved with someone who I trust with my heart and who I know cares for, respects, and is attracted to me with every part of them.

The Revelation

Today things are starting new. After spending time with my guy friend Owen last night and discussing what was (or wasn't) going on with Afro, he asked me the clearest question:

"Well, what do you want?"

I don't want what's been going on. I don't want confusion, I don't want uncertainty, I don't want someone who doesn't know if they want me back. I'm just done with it all. I'm going to start doing the things I want to do on my time. I'm not going to sit around wondering what is going to happen when everything right now is in my control to begin with. I think I spent too much time having my romantic life revolve around what was conveinent for everyone else that I'd forgotten that I'm the one that dictates what goes on in my life. From now on, if I want to see someone, I'm going to. If I think my night or life will be better off without him, then so be it. I've wasted far too much time investing my emotions into things that will never evolve into something real.

It's angsty times like these that I just have to turn to Alkaline Trio's "This is Getting Over You", so while I'll provide you with the lyrics to my 2008 anthem, hunt down the tune and give it a listen.

Today I woke up
Younger than I've been in years
Not concerned with what's outside
And fears, I don't have any
No one is my equal because I'm the king of rain
Controlling with my moodswings
Throw a thunderstorm your way
Drowning girls is a game I play

Today I woke up
More awake than I have felt in years
Not concerned with anything, no tears
Well I'm done with that shit
No one is your equal because you're the queen of pain
Controlling with my mood temps
Staring at my shoes as I run away
Drowning myself is a game I play
Drown myself away
Drown myself away
Goodbye
This is getting over you

I Could Kill People

As much as I'd like to report that things have magically altered between Afro Boy and I now that the new year has begun, I can't. The year started off well with him showing up once Ashley and I ended our nightly celebrations, but the past two days have been filled with let downs. With me still battling my cold and sticking to my resolution of not taking any bull, it's been more discouraging than ever since I haven't gotten the opportunity to lay it all out. Tonight he stated he was going out with a friend and would stop by later, and if he does I have a game plan all laid out:

First, I've done what he's doing. In the past I periodically fooled around with an ex, listened to his emotional frustrations, then bailed only to pop up weeks or months later into his life. Lather, rinse, repeat. Now, after what's been happening, I feel awful about the way I've acted, and there's no way I'm doing that to him again.

Second, in conjuction with the above statement - he's not the only one being affected. I don't know if he just doesn't really care or is aware of what this is doing to be, and I don't think I've given him an impression that would state otherwise, but he is being extremely selfish with how he's acting. He gets to stay guarded, emotionally distant, and can come and go as he pleases because he apparently has no emotional ties to what's going on. As much I want him to regard me with more care, I have a distinct feeling I'm not even an afterthought.

Third, once all that is out, he needs to decide then and there what he wants, and if it's something I agree with then things can proceed. If he states he "doesn't know" or "doesn't want to get hurt", I'm sorry, but grow the fuck up. This is what life and relationships are about - taking chances. If he ends up getting hurt, then he needs to pick his ass up and continue on. There is no sense in living life in fear of getting emotional scars or being unsure of what you want or need.